Blubbery preteens always float, or FTFO Madison Finn #13: Sink or Swim

It's Madison's second summer in the series and she's STILL in 7th grade. The magic continues.



Plot: All of Madison's friends have plans for summer, but Madison doesn't have anything to do. Isn't that the point of summer, however? Not having ANY PLANS. Isn't RELAXING supposed to be your plan? Whatever.
Madison, desperate for something to keep herself occupied, gets a job as a mother's helper. She's now in charge of Eliot, an adorable 2-and-a-half year old boy, and his infant sister Becka. However, Eliot throws tantrums frequently, and Madison, who is completely passive, has trouble getting him to behave.
Aaagh, that's not the worst part. Eliot's mom is a TOTAL DITZ and spends all of her time with Becka, and then doesn't realize her absentee behavior is the root of Eliot's frustrations. She blames either Madison or Becka, the adorable baby.
Slut.
Madison's boss also sucks because whenever they go to the pool and Madison tries to hang out with her friends, Mrs. Reed is all, "Maddie, time to leave!" And because Madison has no spine, she silently fumes, but is unable to stand up for yourself.
On Pool Day, Eliot bonds with Madison and wins a blue ribbon. Finally they are becoming friends! But Madison is unable to enjoy the rest of pool day because right after the winning of the ribbon, Mrs. Reed suggests they leave.
Megaslut.
Nearing the end of the book, Madison is convinced for some reason that Eliot hates her (he doesn't) and that she's the worst mother's helper ever (she sort of is, but never mind).
However, Eliot proves otherwise; he shows Madison his secret closet of stuffed animals and then presents her with his treasured blue Pool Day ribbon. Awwwww.
However, Mrs. Reed's mothering issues are never addressed and she is content to leave Becka with the blame of Eliot's behavior issues.
I hate her. But Madison doesn't care, so I guess that's okay.

More notes:
Aimee, the environmentally concious ditz, squeezes in an important message about global warming. Propaganda in teen literature... *shakes head*

Ooh, Fiona has read "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" FOUR TIMES!!

Aw, Fiona and Egg are going out. Kind of sickening.

Egg, Drew, and Hart are junior lifeguards at the pool...another reason Madison wants to spend time there.

7th grade dialogue.
Aimee: Gee, I wonder if Ben Buckley will be at the pool, too.
Madison: Ben Buckley? What made you think of him?
Aimee: I don't know - um - um... What was I talking about?
Madison: Are you in like with Ben or what? I can't believe it.
Aimee: I am NOT in like with Ben. I was just...
Fiona: Ha-ha-HA! So I'm not the only one with a terminal crush?

Madison isn't exactly stealthy about her secret crush on Hart.

Lucky. Bigwheels is at horse camp IN THE MOUNTAINS. Sounds like Miracle Ranch. Jealous.

Madison is shocked that it rained when there was a 50% chance of rain. Sounds like Washington weather.

ROFL!!
"If everything was meeting at the cafe, Madison would be seeing Hart and the other boys. She needed an outfit that would say 'cute friend with possibilities'."

Aimee's helping her dad out at his cybercafe, but she's not getting paid?

Fiona's participating in a book-a-thon where the prize is TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS! The prize at MY library was a $25 gift certificate to Barnes & Nobles...from a DRAWING!!! SO LAME. I entered like 30 tickets and I didn't win!

"Madison wondered what it would be like to practice mouth-to-mouth on a real person - like Hart. Was it like real kissing?"
Trust me, it's not...though I don't have any real experience to back up that statement. But I've done mouth-to-mouth on a rubber person.
That sounded dirty.

Drew: Yeah, we're learning how to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and all that. The American Red Cross teaches it. We practice on rubber people. Started today. It's funny.
Egg: Nah. It's dumb.
Hart: It saves lives.
Egg: Are you kidding me?
Hart: Hey, Egg, we have the most important job at the pool.
Egg: Come on! We're junior lifeguards. We're not actually saving anyone. This isn't Baywatch, for Pete's sake.
Fiona: You shouldn't really joke about saving lives!!!
Way to be pyscho, Fiona. Egg totally freaks out and apologizes, though.

"'Aren't you volunteering at the animal clinic? You always do that. You and Dan.'
Madison rolled her eyes. She was friends with Dan, but the way Egg said that it sounded lik she was more than friends."
You guys MIGHT have been MORE than friends if you hadn't turned Dan down, Madison.
Although Dan took it better than Drew. Notice how Drew has totally stopped stalking Maddie? I kind of miss it.

Fiona tries to convince Madison to go out for the mother's helper job:
"Baby-sitting can be hard - but it can also be a lot of fun. Oh, it'll be so easy. You'll get paid for going to the pool. And she has cats! What's better than that?"
Yeah, Madison, she has cats!!

: I baby-sit sometimes for my cousin when his mom goes to the supermarket and stuff.
: is it hard?
: haven't u ever read The Babysitters Club?
LOL!!! I know what some people would have to say about that.

It's sort of obvious that Madison has absolutely NO experience with little kids.
Elliot: Pee-pee.
Madison: Um...is that some kind of game?

Heh. Eliot has two cats named Peanut Butter and Jelly.

Dang, Madison's making $125 a week. And she's only 12!!! I've never seen that much money in my life.

Hm, what type of bathing suit would a baby-sitter wear?
Just ask Stacey McGill. She's soooo sophisticated.

Hahaha. Some of the "themed" youth nights at the pool are Italian night, Halloween night, Magic Show (laaame), and South of the Border night (ROFL, SEXUAL IMAGERY!).

Aimee thinks Hart and Ivy are going out. :O SAY IT ISN'T SO!

"Yeah, and Maddie could go with Dan or Drew and we could triple-date!"
Um, that's probably not going to happen anytime soon...not after the VALENTINE'S DAY INCIDENT!!

Aimee's such a spaz. "OH, MY GOODNESS! He's here."

Ben Buckley walks by...AND TOTALLY IGNORES HER. Heh.

Lol. Eliot starts screaming, "POOOOOOOOP!" at the top of his lungs.

Awww, Eliot is sooo cute.

Oh no, he's escaped!
"'STOP THAT KID!' Madison yelled. She nearly landed flat on her face as she jumped out of the pool after him."
Noyce.

Hart saves the day...and kind of creeps me out in the process.
Hart: I don't think so! *picks up Eliot* This little guy's fast.
Eliot: Fast! FAST!
Hart: So you want the tickle monster, huh? Well, that's what you'll get, then.

Stupid Madison. Dan is so much cooler than lame-o Hart.

Mrs. Reed: Are you having fun with Madison, sweetie?
"Madison waited for Eliot to scream, 'NOOOOOOOOO! I hate her!" but he didn't."
Lol, I love Maddie.

Bigwheels: But you don't ever ever let the kid bite you. That happened to my friend Josie once and she had 2 get a tetanus shot or something like that.
Thanks, Bigwheels. Like she's really just gonna let the kid BITE HER.

Cherry yogurt = heaven.

Unless there are real cherries in it.

Eliot throws his apple juice at the wall...
...and it EXPLODES.

"'He's been so cranky lately,' Mrs. Reed said, wiping his hands off his hands and face. 'Ever since we had Becka...'"
Maybe because his dad's never around and YOU'RE A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!

Lol, Madison and Eliot rock out to some Wee Sing.

Madison: Does Eliot go to Pool Day?
Mrs. Reed: Eliot is competing in the kickboard swim for toddlers. It's one of a handful of events for the wee ones. [Wee ones? What is she, Irish?] I think they have more competitions for the older children. I'm sure you've done Pool Day other summers before, right? You must have fond memories. I think Eliot has a shot at winning a kiddie ribbon.
Madison: And what will I be doing?
Mrs. Reed: What else? Spending time with Eliot, of course.
Oh, sorry if you had plans to participate in Pool Day, Madison. You'll be busy watching Eliot because I'M TOO BUSY SUCKING AT BEING A MOTHER.
I HAAATE this woman.

"Good morning. You know, Madison, you don't have to ring the doorbell when you come. I'm expecting you. Just walk inside. That way if I'm in the middle of changing a diaper or picking up toys or just losing my mind..."
Translation: Your ringing the doorbell messes me up. Never do it again; it p*sses me off.

Hart is back with his tickle machine.
Egg is just so hilarious. XP "So how's your boyfriend?"

LOL! Eliot throws Madison's pool bag into the POOL!
Actually, that would kind of suck if that happened to me or anyone else, but it's funny reading about it.

Ivy comes over and ridicules Madison and her baby-sitting charge.
Hello? She's getting PAID, Ivy, you lecherous ho.

Madison is way clingy in this one. She whines a lot.

Ew, nasty. Eliot pukes on Madison.

One of Madison's ideas for fun indoor games to play with Eliot is: Bath toys in the sink, towel on floor, take off shirt.
WHOA! Who will be taking off their shirt, Madison or Eliot?

Awwww, I love Eliot.
Madison: Good morning, Eliot! Hey, it's Maddie. Do you remember me?
Eliot: Course I 'member you! See my slide?

Eliot likes running around naked. Oh, the memories.

Even Madison notices that Mrs. Reed's the reason Eliot is so angry all the time. He'll probably need counseling by the time he's older.

Ben called Aimee? Wow. A junior high boy with real balls. Who knew?

Ha. Bigwheels' cousin stuck a ham sandwich and a carrot into the VCR. That should be on youtube.

Omg, Becka is not the problem!

Hart: Hey! No running!
Yeah, that's effective, Hart. Eliot trips and falls...and goes to Madison for comfort. Take that, Mrs. Reed.

Agh, stop putting yourself down, Madison. The kid TRIPPED. It's not your fault.

Mrs. Reed quotes "Gone With the Wind"?
"Oh, Madison. He'll get over it. Don't worry. Like I said, it was an accident. You'll be more careful next time. Tomorrow is another day."
Whoa. I like how she said, "It wasn't your fault," while simultaneously blaming her at the same time.

Oooh, Madison puts on a skirt to impress Hart. She has it bad.

Egg: So, did you guys see what happened at the pool today? Ivy Daly almost lost her top. Again. She is so weird.
Chet: And hot. I think she does it on purpose.
Lol, probably true.

Aw, Dan still likes Maddie. You can so tell.

DREW DROPS HIS MILKSHAKE ON MADDIE!!! AND IT WAS STRAWBERRY! You know, it was probably an accident, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did it on purpose.
You know. After she turned him down and all.
Oh, that's right, you DON'T know. We'll explore that in #11...WHICH I JUST GOT IN THE MAIL TODAY!!

Madison runs into the bathroom sobbing.

And takes off her clothes? It's a public bathroom, Madison. I hope you know YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

Fiona: I've actually been sort of jealous of you this summer.
Madison: Jealous? Of what?
Fiona: Well, I know I made a big deal about the book-a-thon and all that. [Psh, yeah you did.] And it is a big deal. [Not really.] But your job is so much cooler. You're doing something so important. And little Eliot will look up to you.
Madison: Wow. You really think that?
Aimee: She's right. I have a job at my dad's store, but I'm not helping some little kid like you.
Madison: It's so hard. He cries all the time. And nothing I say or do makes a difference.
Fiona: I bet it does. You just haven't seen it yet.
Whoa. This is getting way deep.

Uh-oh.
Aimee: Do you like Hart?
Madison: Huh?
Aimee: I know it's dumb, but the other day I heard him at the pool talking to Egg and Drew, and he was takling about you. And I was just wondering, if you like him, too, then maybe...
Fiona: Wow, that's interesting.
Madison: *having a heart attack*
Aimee: Sorry. That was a dumb thing to say. Hart is nice, but... Ivy Daly has her eye on him, anyhow.
So Madison is safe. That's so stupid, why wouldn't you just tell your friends the truth?
Then again, they'd giggle meaningfully at you all the time and make SUPER OBVIOUS hints when he was around. Never mind, I'd keep my mouth shut.

Egg: Hey, Maddie, your boyfriend looks cute today.
Madison: You know, if you're trying to be funny, Egg, try getting a new joke.
OOOOOH! PWNED!

"When she looked way up on the diving board, even Dan looked cuter than cute."
Implying that he normally doesn't look cute because he's fat and whatnot.
Ooooh...just...OOOOOH! Maddie and Dan as a couple would have been so amazing. Aaagh. It pains me.

Eliot wins the kickboard contest!

Lame. Madison can't watch ANY of her friends swim because they leave...after ONE event.

Madison realizes, however, that watching her friends swim isn't important. Playing with Eliot and gaining responsibility is the important thing.

Ooh, let's have a nail polish party!! Haha, so 7th grade.

Agh. Lindsay Frost is back. GO AWAY.

Way to be super obvious, Madison.
"Hart! Um...this is my mom...I think you met before...Maybe not..."

I'm trying to garner the meaning of this sentence.
Bigwheels: Our days are packed with trail riding and even some gymkhana like having a rodeo.
There needs to be a comma between "gymkhana" and "like", but even that doesn't make sense.

Ooh, Bigwheels meets a "really cute boy to like" at camp. He has the coolest green eyes...and lives in Idaho! Yeah, potatoes. Whoo.

Aw, Eliot shows Madison his secret zoo.

Then he gives her his blue ribbon. So adorable. Madison is a role model!

So Eliot and Madison are friends, Madison's getting paid, and summer has just begun. The End.

Madison's Computer Tip
I can look up just about anything online - and learn so many new things in a matter of minutes.

Okay then. Tomorrow we have "THE LONELY PONY"!!! Finally, right. Also, I'll read #11, AKA "Heart to Heart" as quickly as possible and maybe post it tomorrow. It involves a secret admirer, Dan, Drew, Hart, boys, dogs, and SO MUCH MORE. It's probably my favorite book in the series, because there's boys and dancing.

There's no such thing as a sad ending, or Horseshoe Trilogies #3: Sweet Charity

We're finally done with this series. I'm thinking of making a collage of all the series I've posted on this blog. Lol.



Plot: Josie doesn't want to sell Charity, her specialist most favorite horse, but she has no choice. Now, to add more stress, the Graces have to find a new home.
So Josie is all emo about Charity the ENTIRE TIME. The Taylor family and their daughter Emily are pretty interested in buying her (why is it that no boys ever want to buy a horse??), which makes Josie uber jealous.
Then, one night, Charity disappears, along with all her tack! *gasp* SHE'S BEEN STOLEN!
And we know who the culprit is. Kirsty, a creepy little girl who loves Charity a little TOO much, apparently did it to help Josie?? Whatever.
So Josie goes looking for them and finds them in the boathouse, but then Kirsty has an asthma attack and somehow falls into the river. Josie goes to save her, and they're both about to drown, but Charity saves them both.
Um, yay.
So now that that's all over, Josie's parents start hinting that they've found a NEW OWNER for Charity and she's the BEST OWNER they could find. Josie can't figure it out, but then they tell her that Charity is HERS. Because her dad got a new job and now is uber rich and their new house has a field where they can keep a horse. LAAAAAME.

More notes:
Josie often has odd fantasies involving Charity and herself.... THEY'RE ABOUT RIDING!!! Sickos.

Oh, and in the fantasy, she saves a young man who's broken his leg, and his grandmother lets Charity stay for free in their stables.

Whaaaat? Looking at this cover, Charity doesn't even look CLOSE to flea-bitten. As in the color, not the state.

Josie invites Kirsty over to her house, and then is all, "OMG, SHE'S SO CREEPY AND SHE GETS ON MY NERVES!" Then WHY'D you invite her to your house?

Anna thinks Kirsty is creepy, too. Why? Does she murder animals or play with voodoo dolls?

"'No!' Kirsty said. 'I won't let them take her away from you!'"
Okay...THAT's creepy.

Okay, her parents are sort of poorish, so they're settling on a townhouse with a small backyard, and Josie's all complaining. "THIS ISN'T THE BEST HOUSE!! HOW WILL WE KEEP THE DUCKS AND CHICKENS??" You won't...because you're POOR.

Foreshadowing of the boathouse incident, and how unstable it is....

"They've got an older boy who's had a horse for a while, and now they want a horse for his younger sister. She's been having riding lessons for ages."
Hmm...sounds familiar. What do you know, she has brown hair and freckles!

Oh, if you smile shyly, you must be a nice person.

Josie storms into the house and starts yelling at her dad.

I love how her mom is so blunt and realistic.

"There are three bedrooms, but one of them is tiny, and the kitchen's not enormous, either."
"That doesn't bother me. You know how I feel about cooking."
Um, yeah, but your husband LOVES to cook. Why don't you ask him how HE feels?

Josie and Anna find a field with horses right next to the new house.
Josie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Me: That there are horses there to take your mind off Charity?
Anna: Oooh! Charity could stay with those horses!
Me: ....

Um, duh, horses are EXPENSIVE.

Ah yes, let's lie and say that Charity has an awful disease.

Oh no, Charity's not in the field! Well, gee, MAYBE SHE'S IN THE BARN!

I'm trying to imagine the damage Josie could do to a potential horse thief.

Anna, Ben, and Josie are being detectives like the Pony Pals.

The thief knew where the key was.... Hm, MAYBE THEY'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE?

Oh, and Kirsty Fisher happens to be missing. What a coincidence.

Argh! Now that they know it's Kirsty, they're like, "Oh, she didn't mean to hurt us, it's all right." Yeah, but she stole your property. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

They didn't get any phonecalls from Mrs. Fisher...and it's Josie's fault.

"I've got a feeling she was trying to help me." Yeah, in a messed up against-the-law way.

Oh, and it turns out Kirsty is asthmatic. Just to add to the drama.

Why would you look for a girl on horseback with bikes? Wouldn't you also use horses?

Yeah, duh, use Faith.

Gotcha, Anna and Ben's dad is Spanish. Makes sense.

Faith, like Acorn, is a good detective.

Kirsty's inhaler reminded me of how my brother used to use an inhaler for allergies.

"No one's angry at you, Kirsty." I am.

Argh, she has a serious asthma attack. Just like in "Are We There Yet?".

Josie tries to throw the inhaler to her...and misses by TWO FEET. Nice throw.

Kirsty falls into the river. Wow.

Smart, go after her. Now you'll both drown, although what else could you do?

Charity saves them. This would be a good episode of "Miracle Pets".

Should I call the police first, or my parents? Police, police! She calls her parents.

Anna: I called the farmer who owns the field, but he says someone already asked him to keep a space for a horse!
Josie: Darn.
Me: ....

"My own sweet Charity. Now nothing's going to take her away from me!"
Except for possibly death and disease.

So yeah. A really awful Pony Pals tomorrow. Yaay, haven't done one of those in a while.

Where are they getting these titles, or Horseshoe Trilogies #2: Last Hope

Yeah, so I haven't really posted at all since Winter Break started. Whatever. I haven't been reading a lot. Oh, and I've been playing Sims.



Plot: We're back with Josie Grace, the annoying British girl with a love of horses. This time, however, they're getting rid of Hope, the "ugly" horse.
And no one likes Hope because she's SOOOOOOOOOOO ugly.
Yeah, people are SO AWFUL.
So all Josie does is walk around feeling depressed the entire time, because no one likes Hope, and then this old woman from an animal sanctuary offers to buy her, and Josie is like, "NO WAY!!!"
Um, nice, Josie.
Moron.
So this woman in charge of a home for...for...I think it's either abused children or children with ADHD...something. Anyway, the children go there to get professional care and love and stuff, and the woman wants to use Hope for all that fun stuff.
Mary Grace is all, "I don't know," but then the kids come and jump on Hope and don't think she's ugly, and Hope loves it.
Yaaay.
Laaaaaaaame.

More notes:
Hope looks fine to me on the cover, and I really doubt that people make THAT big a deal about how she looks. Stupid.

Yay, lying is condoned.

Okay, all they do in this book is go, "Oh, poor Hope, she's soooo ugly. She'll never be sold." Well, no, not with THAT kind of attitude.

I just think this is weird:
Tom: And how's Jill coping? I used to look after her chestnut horse, Marmalade, you know. She was so upset when he had to be sold.
Not only is Marmalade BAY (totally different from chestnut), but why did he feel the need to throw "chestnut" in there? You could've just said, "...after her horse, Marmalade..." IT JUST WEIRDS ME OUT!! IT SOUNDS SO WRONG!!!

Okay, I can kind of see why people wouldn't want to buy Faith, because I have a HUUUGE prejudice against albino horses, and get really grossed out whenever I see one. Like, they seriously make me want to vomit.

I've noticed that every chapter ends with Josie either saying something moving/touching/emotional or thinking something desperate or sad.
Example: What if no one would look beyond Hope's plain appearance and see her sweet nature? What would happen then?

"She liked Ben, though they weren't best friends in the way that she and Anna were."
Umm...that makes it sound like everyone she knows HAS to be her best friend. Or is that just me??? AARGH.

If you were trotting, wouldn't you be thrown back and forth, not side to side? Just wondering.

Oh dear, Hope gets sweet itch!!!

Okay, it really annoys me when people that are the teensiest bit older than me are all, "Respect your elders." It kind of peeves me off and 9 times out of 10 I'm bigger than they are, so it's like, "Do you REALLY want to mess with this??"

"I'm not a beginner. I've had five lessons."
Oh, then that means I'm a freaking expert.

I suppose we as readers are supposed to be proud of Mary Grace for standing up for Hope and herself, but she gets pwned comeback wise.

Josie's father is putting on a musical. What teacher in his right mind would put on "Grease"? Ugh, I hate what Josie says.
"They're doing a version of Grease - you know, that rock-and-roll musical. John Travolta was in the film."
Um, duh. I personally don't know anybody who hasn't heard of Grease.

I don't know why EVERYONE is so opposed to Hope having to go to the animal sanctuary. People give up their dogs and cats to the Humane Society when they want them to find a good home, so why is it a bad idea for horses???

Haaaa. "There was something moving in Mrs. Peabody's bosom!" Chestburster!!
Aaaw, it turns out to be a baby bat. I love bats.

Wth, Anna and Ben have dark hair, eyes, and olive skin. Their mom has blonde hair and blue eyes. ???????? IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??

Okay, Josie and Anna are out on a ride when these boys start harassing them. Hm, they're on bikes and are in 8th grade...sound familiar?? Anna's all, "Ignore them." !!!!!!! Yeah, thanks, it never WORKS.

BAM!
Tommy Rand (JK!): Look at the ugly one! What's the matter with her? Looks like all her hair's dropping out. Couldn't you find a better horse to ride than that old nag?
Anna: She's got a horse version of acne. Something you'd know all about. Maybe there's a good cream you could recommend?
Ugh, and Josie's all, "You're making it worse!" Picturing her with her snotty British accent and breathy voice. HATE HATE HATE.

Oooh, that boy's mad, he just called you a Stuck-Up Princess!!!

Yeah, very classy, Dad. "You shouldn't be sad, I'M the one trapped with teenagers singing showtunes!"

Josie is amazed that a kid her age could draw well. Or more like because SHE can't draw like Michelangelo, no one else should.

Why would you want to go see some stables if there are no horses in them, when you could be looking at RABBITS??

"Oh no, you don't want Hope. She's a bit stocky with quite a broad back."
Like abused/neglected/afflicted children are going to care. I wouldn't. Um, unless it was albino....

Josie: Oh, stop! I think I like the old, tactless Anna better!
:O That's so mean. I'd be so offended if one of my friends said that to me. Okay, whenever Anna semi-insults Josie, Josie freaks out, but whenever she insults Anna, it's comic relief?

No, no, don't tell a story, please, Josie, NOOOOO.

Tommy just randomly screams??

OH NO, one of the children that comes to visit Hope is BLIND!! Aaagh, I know where they're going with this: they're going to make a big deal about her being blind, so she doesn't care how a horse looks!! NOOOO, this is NOT the Lifetime Channel!!

There she goes again, getting choked up.

Aaah, I started drooling when they were talking about Chinese food.
Lol, chinois. Je ne parle japonais. Tu parles japonais??

Lynne, Anna's mom, is wearing a denim shirt.

Ugh, Lynne and Josie point out in front of everybody that Anna is tactless. Sooo mean.

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO VOTE ON EVERYTHING?? It's so obvious that Hope is perfect with children and would love to live at the Friendship House.

"Apples, carrots, and turnips had been hung across the lower part of the stable doors, and Hope and Charity were busy nibbling them off their strings."
What? That sounds like a colic situation. The Pony Pals would not approve.

Whaaa?? "The joint's jumping." That sounds rad, cat. Golly gee, I sure darn wish there was a hop tonight, so we could all JAM!!

Ugh, and the book ends with a bunch of little kids all hugging and kissing Hope and Hope looking SOOO happy. Gag.

So yeah. A VERY, VERY awful Unicorns of Balinor tomorrow. If you don't hate Ari now, you most likely will tomorrow. Maybe a Madison Finn if I'm not busy.

Because you had a bad day, or Pony Pals #18: The Saddest Pony

This is another book that makes me feel very, very bad for Pam. The Pony Pals are ganging up on her again and again Pam has to apologize for HER bad behavior. I wish she could escape these people. But if you ask me who's my favorite Pony Pal, I'm not sure if I have one. I'd have to say that I can probably tolerate Pam the longest, followed by (surprise!) Anna, then Lulu on the very bottom. I think #16 ruined her character for me. I hope you'll shake your head with me as we read this sad, sad tale.



Plot: Pam is out riding Lightning when she finds a pony in a seemingly abandoned barn. The pony looks very sick and the barn is in terrible condition. Pam tells the Pony Pals and they go back to visit the pony, but are caught by its owners.
Lulu and Anna want to call the police and accuse the owners of animal abuse, but Pam doesn't actually believe the owners are guilty of animal abuse. Lulu and Anna thinks this is stupid and emotionally abuse her for several pages.
Finally, the Pony Pals find out that the old people that own Ginger (the old, sick pony) are really nice and they're just poor, so they don't take of Ginger. But Lulu and Anna don't admit they were wrong and require an apology from Pam. Grrr....
The Pony Pals visit the Quinns (the old people) and offer to take care of Ginger and give them food. They also give the Quinns a cat to replace their old one and have Dr. Crandal give all the animals antibiotics. And everyone is happy.

More notes:
Jeanne Betancourt has learned personification. Actually, she learned that a long time ago, but her usage of it in this book are better.

Another example of people not controlling their ponies.

Anna: Pam, we packed the best lucnh. Ham and cheese sandwiches and, of course, brownies.
You would think they would get tired of brownies. And ham and cheese sandwiches aren't that great. At least not together.

Yeah. Eating lunch in a ghost town. Fun.

I see we have a new illustrator.... The girls actually look their age, but I hate her style. The author's, that is.


Say what? The Crandals own three ponies (Lightning, Splash, Daisy) and board several horses. Who are those several? Is Paint one of them?

Isn't it wrong to spy on people? They should at least use a different word than "spy".

"Ginger. Ginger. You are a bad old girl." That makes me laugh. No idea why.

Why is she inspecting Ginger's hoof? She only inspects one hoof. I would understand it if she did all four, but only one? Don't see the point of this.

Anna's drawings have gotten even worse because of the new illustrator. I miss Paul Bachem.

OMG, ANNA SAID "POOP"! HALLELUJAH!!

Do the police actually handle animal abuse charges? I didn't think they did. Maybe I'm wrong.

They need more evidence, Pam says. She just disagreed with the Pony Pals. Bring on the manipulation and emotional abuse.

"It's two against one. You have to do what Lulu and I want." Shut up, Anna.

What a mature response: "I know more about ponies than you do. You have to do what I want."

Pam says, "Let's go," and Anna thinks she's being bossy. Shut up, whore.

Anna's just being a brat. HATE HATE HATE. She and Lulu are pretty even on the annoyance scale now.

Gee, something couldn't be wrong with Ginger's teeth to make her not want to eat, could there?

Who would want to steal an old sick pony?

Oh, right, Pam, run away. That's pretty much a confession right there.

"They're horrible. That's why they abuse Ginger."
"He was pointing a gun at you. He wanted to shoot you."
1. They're poor and old, not horrible.
2. IT WAS A FREAKING CANE! How do you mistake a cane for a gun????

Lulu: Pam, why don't you want to tell the police about Ginger's owners?
Pam: We dont' know anything about that old couple. THey might need help, too.
This is the closest Anna and Lulu get to apologizing.
Anna: Maybe you're right.
Lulu: We don't even know their names. There's a lot we don't know about them.
That sounded like Lulu was blaming Anna. Now for the unnecessary apology.
Pam: I'm sorry I was so bossy.
Anna: I hate it when you act like that.
YOU LITTLE HYPOCRITE!!!
Pam: I know. I hate it, too.
Anna: We forgive you.
Ho.

Why, Pam?
Richard and Gertrude Quinn. Have lived on farm for seventy years.
Why not just make it a complete sentence??

My grandma's name is Shirley.

They had a black cat. Just like Shadow.

HOLY CRAP! Ginger used to pull a milk cart 30 years ago. How old is she, then???

All of a sudden Lulu is opposed to spying. Gee, you weren't opposed to it when you spied on Kim, much less 20 pages ago.

Duh. They're old. They yell because they can't hear.

The dog's name is Snappy. Heh. That's what Bob said about Oggy. That really makes me want a dog named Snappy.

They Pony Pals are even controlling Pam's breakfast choices?
Lulu: We both want orange juice and French toast. What about you?
Don't follow the crowd, Pam....
Pam: I'll have the same thing.
Aargh.

Oh my goodness. A very horrible drawing that Anna is supposed to have done. It's worse than her previous drawings.

I didn't know social workers helped old people.

Oh no, a moving story about Mrs. Harley's childhood. The Quinns gave her free milk and eggs.

Again, why would they want to steal Ginger, who is really old, has arthritis, and overlong teeth?

Aw, a picture of the Quinns. They're so adorable.

Violet Croft? That's Anna's grandma's name. That's a horrible name.

Wonder if she was related to Lara Croft....

They spell thank you "thankyou". Who edited this book??

Toby is not a cat name. I KNEW THE DEAD CAT WAS THE REASON FOR ALL THE SADNESS!!!

Duh. I told you her teeth were too long.

The Crandals have a palomino thoroughbred named J.B. Such a lie.

Ginger is 35. Daaang.

MR. CONWAY IS BACK! THE CREEPY GUY WHO TOLD GHOST STORIES FROM SUPER SPECIAL #3!

Ew, they wish upon a star.

I want Meals on Wheels. Pasta every night.

I find it weird that they consider Shadow Acorn's cat.

Anna is being way annoying and pessimistic.

Ew, Acorn is being creepy with Shadow.

Ginger isn't sad because she has arthritis and orthodontial problems. She just misses her kitty friend. Right.

So they decide to give away Fat Cat's last kitten. HOW IS HE STILL A KITTEN, at least 20 summers have passed since that incident. Maybe he is frozen in time, too.

Pam is having second thoughts about this. Just give them Fat Cat, no one likes her anyway. Keep Pal for yourself if you like him so much.

Ponies aren't often frightened by the meowing of cats.

Apparently everyone who's ever lived is somehow connected to the Quinns. Even people in real life are somehow connected to two fictional old people in a children's book.

OMG, PAL IS SO ADORABLE!

Heh. Ginger likes pain meds.

That was awful. The more I think about it, I think the Pony Pals are a cult. Because they're exclusive, secretive, and no one questions the leadership.
I need to read the three steps of identifying a cult again. Party on.
I HATE ANNA.

Even worse than the Pony Pals, or Pony Pals #14: Pony-Sitters

How come Pam is an oldest child, Anna is a youngest child, and Lulu is an only child? I guess to further emphasize their many differences. I wish Lulu were a middle child. But then we would have more siblings to contend with. We already have Jack and Jill, the Martha Stewart clones, and Anna's older sister, who changes her name like 20 times. I'm actually in a pretty good mood today and this one wasn't that horrible, so I'm not as critical as I might be. "Circus Pony" is still in the hands of that 7-year-old....



Plot: Everyone in Wiggins, it seems, loves ponies. Mimi Kline seems to like them even more than the Pony Pals, or that annoying Rosalie kid! For her birthday, the Mr. and Mrs. Kline decide to buy her a pony and enlist Anna as her pony-sitter! Basically Anna will teach Mimi how to act around a pony and they will have a jolly old time. She will also teach Mimi how to ride.
But, because this is Anna we are talking about, she can't do anything without the Pony Pals. Now all three of them are pony-sitters!
The Klines buy an adorable Shetland pony named Tongo. Mimi loves Tongo. Tongo loves Mimi. They look so cute together.
But Mimi is a brat. She treats Tongo violently, doesn't listen to the Pony Pals, and runs around in circles. Come on, though. She's 5. She's a brat, but she's 5.
One day, Mimi runs away with Tongo and Mr. Monkey (don't ask). Her parents freak out and call the National Guard, the FBI, the CIA, and the state police.
But it turns out Mimi was just playing Hide-and-Seek with Tongo in the woods.
The Klines are convinced, like Anna's parents in Book #2, that Tongo is a bad influence and send him away.
But the Pony Pals tell them that Tongo is a good boy, and the Klines cave.
Mimi and Tongo forever.
That was boring.

More notes:
They don't actually explain who Mimi is in the beginning. And since when does Anna have neighbors besides Lulu?

"We call ourselves the Pony Pals." I don't think the nice people care, Anna.

Tongo is a pretty cute name. Totally naming my pony Tongo.

"Small ponies can be spoiled." So can big ponies....

Awwww, Bubble is a cute name, too.

It really rubs me the wrong way when people refer to horses as blonde.

I thought Mr. Olson worshiped Acorn? Apparently not?

Jeanne Betancourt needs to use semicolons instead of making a new sentence.

Doesn't kickball require more than two people? Wouldn't it be "kicking a ball" or "playing soccer" rather than "kickball"?

Yeah. Pulling the pony's tail. Not smart.

We now know that the Pony Pals eat at the diner for free. Lame.

I want a purple riding helmet really bad.

Really, how hard is it to ride? You sit. They pull. Horse goes. Well, when you're a little kid. When you're older, they start on the stupid technicalities.

Mimi talks to herself in third person.

And she wants to see Tongo's bellybutton.

Do ponies really not have bellybuttons? I'm going to check up on that.

Tongo so ugly in all the pictures.

Where do they keep Tongo if they're riding up and down the driveway? I'm not seeing a stable for this family.

AAAAAAAAAGH! You don't have to know that much about horses to let a little kid play with one. Just utilize proper safety habits.

I hate this sentence:
"He did whatever Lulu asked him to do. Walk. Trot. Or halt."
WHY??? WHY CAN'T YOU USE COMMAS????

I remember class trips to the museum. I've never been to an actual museum with dinosaurs and paintings and stuff, tho. Only to the Washington State History Museum or whatever and that stupid Seattle Art Museum. Jealous.

Mrs. Bell is an idiot.
Pam: After, we're having dinner at the diner with Lulu's father.
Lulu: He's going to tell us about his trip to India. He was in India studying monkeys. (you didn't have to say India twice)
Mimi: I have a monkey! He's MY Mr. Monkey.
Mrs. Bell: Mr. Monkey is a stuffed animal.
NO. DUH.

They saw a painting that looked just like Mr. Monkey! I totally pictured a sock monkey when they mentioned Mr. Monkey. *shudder* What kind of sicko takes time and energy to paint sock monkeys?

Mwahahaha, they think something terrible has happened to Mimi.

They've been at the museum all day. Of course Mimi isn't with them.

They think someone kidnapped Mimi. Yeah. Right. Mrs. Bell was there, she would've heard the screaming, or at least someone randomly walking in. How exactly are they picturing this scene?
Kidnapper: Hey, kid.
Mimi: WHAT?
Kidnapper: Come with me.
Mimi: Okay. Let's go visit Tongo!
I bet he was wearing a ski mask, too. Isn't a ski mask the red flag?

They think maybe she went to visit a friend. I totally expected Mrs. Kline to say, "SHE HAS NO FRIENDS!"

Still not saying poop. Now they're saying "pony plop". Better than "you-know-what".

Oh. She's playing Hide and Seek with Tongo. OF COURSE. In the woods. At night. No danger here!

What? Pam and Lulu are working their butts of, too, but Anna is the only one getting paid????

Mr. Monkey is kind of cute....

Why is it Anna's fault that Mimi is losing her pony? Can't figure that out.

The Klines own a hardware store. Didn't know that either.

Oh, Anna didn't teach her enough safety and let her think she could be a Pony Pal. I'm sure that's why she ran away, Anna.

Mimi wasn't really lost. But the Pony Pals withhold this information till the end.

Heh. Mrs. Bell is all Italian.

Rosalie and the Pony Pals seem to have been frozen in time, because everyone else grows older but they're still the same age.

Mimi is subjecting Rosalie to slave labor.

AAAAAAH! Mimi is going to grow up to be a serial killer, because she blames everything on Mr. Monkey/split personality.

The Klines think Anna is on the crack corn, too.

The author felt she had to describe how each character laughed at Mimi's witty joke.

Mimi has more energy than a million batteries. Heh.

Oh boy. That was...really boring. But Super Special #2 is up next! Ooh, a special edition pony topper??? Check it!

The Stories of Our Ponies
Pony Pals Super Special #2

The Pony Pals want to write a book about their ponies. They interview past owners, and even meet Snow White's foal! This great story comes with your very own Pony Pal pencil with a fuzzy pony topper and specially designed mini-notebook, plus a free pony portrait bookmark and two collecting cards.

You'll love this very special Pony Pals book!

Man. I guess Acorn didn't father Snow White's baby. :(
OMG, I read the plot summary for Super Special #4 and Snow White and Acorn HATE EACH OTHER! LOL! And I thought they were lovers. Wow, was I wrong. So Lightning and Pam have to play peacemaker. Not peachmaker.
So jealous. I want a fuzzy pony topper.

Safe Sitters for losers, or Super Special #1: Pony Pals: The Baby Pony

I don't understand how this is a super special. It's only 91 pages, shorter than the longest Pony Pals book. I guess it's super because the author felt she had to write in three different personalities at once. What a challenge. Oh, and there are a few more pictures than normal.




Plot: Some random person drops a baby pony off at Crandal Animal Clinic (it has a name? I just thought if it as the Crandals' house). The pony is three days old and its mother died. The Pony Pals start to feed it, and love it, and take care of it for about 80 pages. But taking care of a pony is hard work.
A woman comes and tries to buy Baby Pony (they couldn't think up a better name than that). They refuse because the woman is mean and wants to sell him for a lot of money.
But then a little crying girl and her dad come along and the Pony Pals take pity on her because her own pony died. BUT THEY REFUSE THE MONEY AND ARE JUST HAPPY WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT BABY PONY HAS A GOOD HOME. The End. Snore.

More notes:
Pony Pal Trail is Anna's favorite place "in the world". Something tells me Anna doesn't get out of Wiggins very often.

No, I don't think about how I met my friends every time I see them.

"A bay-colored foal." Why can't they say bay and leave it at that?

"Lulu rubbed the foal's silky brown coat. It was the softest thing she'd ever touched." You've obviously never met Luke.

Geez, Pam, way to be dramatic. "'The foal has to start drinking soon-' Pam finished the sentence in a whisper. "-or he'll die.'"

Psyche, it turns out Lulu actually HAS been to Africa. But if that's true, why didn't Mr. Sanders want to take her on the elephant trip? Africa's pretty dangerous without poachers. Meaning lions and civil war.

They say "nipple" like 20 times on one page. It made me laugh.
Lulu: Maybe we can get the foal to drink from a bottle with a nipple. [Don't all bottles have nipples?]
Pam: Good idea.
Anna: Do we give him plain old milk?
Pam: It'd be better to give him mare's milk. My dad has some powdered mare's milk in the office. You stay with the foal and I'll go look.
Anna: We'll need a bottle with a nipple, too.

We have to listen to more stuff about Lulu's dead mother and how awful it is. We get it.

Another barrage of nipples....

If Pam hadn't been so selfish and drunk all the milk, they wouldn't be in this predicament! Shame, shame, shame....

Interesting...Jack and Jill are a year older, but the Pony Pals are still 10. This reminds me of the story about the lightbuckers.

They're milking a goat. Totally reminds me of Milk Off.

Pam, you are talking to a goat. What's wrong with you?

Jeanne Betancourt must like the word "nipple" because she uses it A LOT.

Wait...isn't taking care of animals Mr. Crandal's job? How come he doesn't have time to take care of a foal? It's not like he has a lot of clients. He only gets clients when one of the ponies gets sick or the Pony Pals find a cat, which they do quite often, I've noticed.

It's suddenly summer vacation? And more conveniently, it just STARTED, so the Pony Pals have plenty of time to hand rear a newborn foal!

Couldn't Mr. Olson do it? He's always at home and doesn't seem to have much of a life, as he frequently runs horse shows when he gets bored.... Yeah, I know, this coming from a girl who reads "Pony Pals" and blogs about it.

Sure, Anna. Because he is a adorable, it will be fun. Try baby-sitting sometime.

EWWWWWW there's a picture of the foal; he's bald and his neck is 10 feet thicker than his body.

Anna admits that she's crap at spelling. I'm proud of you, Anna.

And then she had to go and be all cocky about her artistic talents....

Pam is not a very good writer and she has bad grammar.

Ha ha, umbillicus is a funny word.

How do you know he misses his mother? He never really knew her, did he?

Um, WHAT? The Pony Pals will be LIVING at the Crandal's for the next few weeks. And their parents are OKAY WITH THIS???

There's a whole page on the Pony Pals and their attempts at making straw furniture. Yawn.

Yes. I can see a pony crawling under a fence. Not.

RED FLAG: Pam has her arm around Anna....

Oh, sure, it's normal for ponies to pound other ponies into a bloody pulp.... Wait...I thought a few books ago Pam was priding Lightning on being able to get along with strange ponies. I know Acorn has issues, but Lightning was pretty stellar in #6.

I wish they would stop calling him Baby Pony.

Bats. In the loft. Can you say RABIES?

Acorn is WAY too huge to be a Shetland. He's as tall as Lightning and is all lean and crap.

Anna is a gourmet cook?

This foal is vicious.

Pam and Lulu can't make up their minds about Baby Pony.
Pam: He's getting spoiled.
Lulu: He just wants a mother. You can't blame him for that. [Actually....]
*later*
Lulu: *trying to sleep* His feeding isn't for another hour.
Pam: He just wants company.

No, I don't think ponies tackling people is very cute behavior.

Whoever receives the Baby Pony Journal is going to be bored out of their minds.

They mention Baby doing a little jig pretty much every 5 seconds.

I think Anna's shirt says "Jail" on it. Jealous, I want a shirt like that.

More Snow White worship. Blah. I hate Snow White.

Snow White had a foal? How come we didn't hear about this earlier?

"...he did a little jig of joy." That, with the alliteration, does not sound cute.

Baby bites Lulu and they don't think this is a problem.

Baby tries to nurse from Snow White and she pushes him to the ground. Snow White is trying to teach Baby to man up.

Aw, cute picture. Snow White actually looks like a pony.

Anna: Snow White's a great baby sitter and teacher.
Why, because she's white?

Seriously, if the only other option was Lulu, I'd rather be called Lucinda. Or at least Lucy.

Of course there are no nursing mares available in Wiggins. Because only 5 people in Wiggins own ponies!!!

How come the Pony Pals never have to pay for the brownies Mrs. Harley makes them?

Mrs. Harley: When do you think you'll start sleeping at home again?
Anna: Not until we find a nursing mare for Baby Pony.
Pam: Just pretend Anna's at a sleep-away camp, Mrs. Harley.
Mrs. Harley: It sounds more like a work-away camp.
*cough cough* ISLAND LAKE. *cough cough*

Anna: Sand. What a pretty name for a horse. I bet she's a Palomino.
I'll bet she isn't.

Lol, I want a yellow convertible.

I agree! Baby is no name for a horse! It's right up there with all the other annoying overused names for animals.
Overused animal names: Baby, Oreo, Blackie, Brownie, Whitey, Tabby, Lucky, Muffin, Patches, Smokey
I like the name Oreo, tho. It's just that everyone who gets a black and white hamster is all, "OMFG, OREO!"

Heh. Victoria's horse is named Perfection. I'm totally getting a horse and naming him Irony.

The Pony Pals don't want to sell Baby Pony to Victoria Winters because she wants to train him and sell him for a lot of money. Uh, yeah, that's some people's JOB. That's so stupid, tho. Once they buy him, they can do whatever they want with him. Suck it up.

Whatever. Ponies are worth way more than $100.

OH NO! A HORSE NAMED FRECKLES! How I despise that name. That's right up there next to Blackie and Brownie.

Wait...Freckles is a horse...YES! HORSES DO EXIST IN "PONY PALS"!

Eve, Freckles' owner, is way annoying. "I would've taken care of my foal if he hadn't died. That's what my foal would've looked like. My foal would've eaten that grass. My foal would've voted Republican, bla bla bla...."

They rub the smell of Freckles' dead colt all over Baby Pony. Um, creepy??

WHAT? They decide to give Baby Pony away and will accept no money. I noticed Mr. Crandal isn't here to oversee this transaction. I bet he'll be mad when he finds out....

OH NO, SHE NAMES HIM LUCKY! *see list*

I'm sorry, I just really hate the name Lucky for a horse. Especially for a "witty" reason. "His name is Lucky, because I'm so lucky to have him." "His name is Lucky because he's my good luck charm!" "His name is Lucky because he's green like a Care Bear!" "Say whaaaat?"

And you thought Anna's handwriting was bad...Eve's is even worse.
Eve, Lucky, Freckles, and her dad are never heard from again....

Yeah. That was not enjoyable. I'm still waiting on "Circus Pony", but if it doesn't come in 2 days, I'll start reading "Keep Out, Pony" (#12) and "The Girl Who Hated Ponies" (#13). I also have "Pony Sitters" (#14) and "The Blind Pony" (#15), but those are painful to read.