Evil in the form of Halley's Comet, or Unicorns of Balinor #8: Shadows over Balinor

I'm SOOO glad to be done with this series. I don't understand how they can give this description for the last book, though:
Princess Arianna inquires about the past and learns the truth about the fall of the great unicorns from the Celestial Valley. She uncovers the truth about shifting magic and how that power has led the fallen unicorns into the shadows--to become the evil Shadow Unicorns.
The book never talks exclusively about Celestial Valley and the missing Shadow Unicorns are mentioned ONCE. Mostly this book is rather confusing and has sort of a lame ending.



Plot: Right, so Shifter is dead, all the Royal Unicorns have returned, and the war is over. What else is there to worry about? Well, there's the Kraken, though he appeared dead in the last book. No, the Kraken is back with a vengeance, and if Arianna doesn't stop a giant comet from landing and transferring its powers to him, Balinor is doomed!
???
First, our cast of regular characters is joined by an annoying named Odie ("Fightin's my game!"), who brings Ari a map to Shadowview (formerly Demonview). The princess must travel there to find the Royal Archivist (they don't say why).
They go. Pointless things happen, mainly for filler, I'm sure.
Then they find the Archivist, and it turns out LINCOLN IS THE LINK!!!
The Link?
They never fully explain what that is, but it's something important.
They defeat the Kraken and destroy the asteroid/comet/thing.
Lincoln chooses to remain with Ari, so now they have to find a new Link.
Ari still hasn't found her parents or brothers, and it seems no one has any intention of ever taking Lori back across the Gap.
It was way too confusing. Hopefully I'll have some nonmagic Madison Finns by tomorrow. Unfortunately, I have to skip #11 and #12 for now. Oh well.

The gods are angry, so they've made the sun disappear, or Unicorns of Balinor #7: Night of the Shifter's Moon

Okay. Let me tell you how much I hate Unicorns of Balinor.
No, really. These are what has kept me from posting because they're so ridiculously boring.
So I'm just going to summarize it and be DONE with it.
And hopefully get the last book, #8, the WORST in the series, out of the way.
Then we can go on to Avalon and Pony Pals and what not.
It seems Madison Finn is permanently on hold, as I ordered some books from the library about, um, two months ago, and they've ignored my request.
I could skip #11 and #12, but only if completely necessary.
It's just that #11 is so depressing, but I like it, because...just so sad.
Okay, on to the unicorns. Sunchaser awaits.

Plot: We open with our "heroes" in the forests of Ardit where they meet some excitable bunnies.
Lori starts complaining, Finn tries to be a peacemaker, Toby insults people in a Cockney accent...the usual.
Atalanta calls Ari away from the group into CELESTIAL VALLEY!
*Hallelujah chorus*
The Celestial unicorns fall all over Ari and Chase. There's a bonding ceremony, and Ari officially has the Deep Magic. Also, she and Chase are officially BFFs forealz.
Once the two of them pop back down to the earth, they find their comrades in trouble! Fight fight fight. Done.
Now that she has Deep Magic, a BFF, and self-confidence, Ari decides to make war, not love, with the Shifter.
They go over to Balinor to assemble troops and to speak with the Lords of the Houses and crap.
The Shifter talks about how invincible he is...until the Shadow Rider walks into the room. Mr. Shadow is even worse than the Shifter, apparently. But it turns out he's not really the Shadow Rider; he's the Kraken, which is I guess some mysterious Sauron-esque figure. Everyone shudders at the mention of him.
Meanwhile, in Ari-land, Lori decides to become Ari's Lady-in-waiting when she hears how much the salary is. She also hires her new best friend, Lady KYLIAN. Hm, sounds a lot like KYLIE, doesn't it?? But no one is the least bit suspicious.
Ari and Chase go on a quest to find the Royal Unicorns, who ran away after the Shifter took over. How lame. The Workers and Celestial unicorns fought, but the Royals RAN AWAY? Wimps. What do you want them for?
Oh, and they find them right away on some island in the middle of the ocean! That was easy.
They manage to convince them rather quickly to join their cause.
The unicorns fight in the battle. They kick Shifter's butt. Lady Kylian is unmasked, but I'm pretty sure she escapes. Oh well.
The part that irks me is THE BATTLE DOESN'T EVEN LAST 5 MINUTES!!!! The Royal Unicorns show up and Shifter's all, "Dang," and doesn't even try anymore!
It doesn't matter that Ari's side has one...THE KRAKEN WILL REBUILD!!!
Yeah, dumb. I HATE THIS SERIES.
Lol. There was a black, red, and white unicorn named Puzzler. I wonder if he likes the White Stripes.

Hm. All I did was summarize badly. That was sort of a waste of time. Oh well. Avalon and Pony Pals tomorrow.

Follow the talking wooden stick, or Unicorns of Balinor #6: Secrets of the Scepter

I still don't get the loving descriptions of Atalanta: twilight violet, with a beautiful silver mane and tail... Dude, she's purple.



Plot: Life in Balinor would be so boring if it weren't for all the exciting quests! Ari must uncover three golden rings and acquire a note from Dr. Bohnes stating she is the true princess to unlock the Deep Magic.
There's nothing to say, really. The Shifter is kept at bay, so there's no drama or danger. Lori finds some abandoned baby unicorns and takes care of them until they find their mother. Ari keeps warring factions of centaurs from killing each other. In the end, she gains the three rings AND Dr. Bohnes' note. Staples: that was easy.

More notes:
Yep, this one starts with "Atalanta", too. We're 6 for 6.

Atalanta doesn't even care about getting Lori home. "We will be able to help Lori in time, Arianna."

I just noticed Ari has the same name as a certain Eraser friend of ours.

They want to organize a Resistance? How Star Wars-y of them.

Ha, more humor. XP
Finn: Lori, you could ride Rednal for a bit, if you like. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Rednal: *starts bucking*
Finn: Hey, boy! What's up?
Rednal: Must have been a black fly.
I cannot breathe for laughing. And if a unicorn was trying to buck you off, I highly doubt you would laugh and ask, "Hey, boy! What's up?"

Ugh. Lori rides like a sack of potatoes; therefore, she is a horrible person. Arianna rides like a queen; therefore she is wise, beautiful, and kind.

HA! The sign to the Unicorn Inn reads:
Fine Food and Drink. Samlett.
Oh, look, honey, they have fine food, drink, AND Samlett!
That cracked me up for rather inappropriate reasons.

"Yes! He's so short that during council he refuses to sit down. He stands on the chair. And he's got a high, squeaky voice like a chicken!"
So do I, and I'm 5'9".

Ari's being introduced to the last remaining Lords of whatever. Uh oh, that Rexel is thin and gaunt and never gives his nights a day off. Must be a treacherous jerk.

What kind of name is Lord Puckenstew????

I sort of agree with Rexel. Ari can't prove she's REALLY the Princess, and the only excuse she has is, "Um, I lost my memory and only got it back recently...." Riiight.

Rexel is the poor man's Snape.

The Shifter might be evil, but he's no match for THE SHADOW RIDER, who is basically the poor man's Sauron.

Oh no, the Shifter is scared of the Shadow Rider! Wait, if Mr. Shadow is so evil, and the Shifter's such a wimp that can be easily defeated with the Royal Scepter + Indigo Star, why are we warring against the Shifter??? Sauron's on the loose!

So Ari's going on another quest, and Finn asks to go with, but she's like, "No, Finn, you need to organize the Rebellion and what not." That's basically an order, so Finn accepts it, and Ari's all, "WHY DIDN'T HE INSIST TO COME?? HE MUST NOT LIKE ME!" No, you just think WAY too highly of yourself.

Ha. Lori's going.

I CANNOT stand Ari.

Ha ha ha. They get a Worker unicorn named STALWART for Lori!! HA HA HA! I hate the subtle attempts at humor.

Ari is so jealous of Lori and Finn. I would laugh so hard if Finn and Lori ended up together. But they don't. I've read the series before. Which is sad. :( They could have been Linn! Or Fori. Or Firi. Whatever.

SOOOO lame. They feel the need to tell us the story of Heartbreak Harbor: a young man named Artman came to the Harbor to meet his beautiful fiancee, but she ran off with a ship's captain.

Lori: It's funny, I never liked camping out. No bathrooms or mirrors. No television or CD players. No pizza places. But I don't know. We've camped out so much in this weird world of yours, I think I'm starting to get used to it.
Yeah. That's why I never go camping. The lack of pizza places kills me.

And they stumble upon...UNICORN BABIES! One is red and the other "flaxen" (I never knew what that meant when I was little, but it's goldeny, I guess).

Lori's apparently really good with babies.

Ari: I wonder where the babies' mother is.
Chase: Let's ask the Royal Scepter.
Ari: Good idea. Oh Royal Scepter? Where is the babies' mother?
Scepter: Gone.
Thanks, Royal Scepter. You've been so helpful.

There's a FOURTH class of unicorns: THE WILD ONES. They're wild, obviously, and brutal and savage. God forbid any unicorn that escapes the vicious caste system of Balinor should be civilized.

Ari can't decide: leave the baby unicorns in the forest to starve or take them with?
TAKE THEM WITH! TAKE THEM WITH! So much for being wise.

Ari is supposed to find Dr. Bohnes and three gold rings. Why she's running around in the forest, I don't know.

THE RAINBOW SONG!! Lol, I love the rainbow song. I swear, they changed the lyrics!

A bunch of yelling unicorns? How positively frightening!

Atalanta doesn't want a war, bla bla bla. Well, what else are you going to do? You refuse to take out the Shifter with magic, though you've had endless oppurtunities, and all you've been doing lately is sitting in the Valley discussing the current situation. Don't you think you ought to do something?

Lori names the babies Albright and Jenny. What stupid names.

Ari thinks they are "fine names". Because she's a princess like that.

Oh dear, the centaurs are fighting.

Ari sees the centaurs and goes on to describe how they were men, but also horses! In case you didn't know what a centaur was. As if.

The centaurs get all mad and Ari's like, "You can't hurt me! I have a talking wooden stick!"

Oh no, the centaurs are fighting because some are traditionalists and others are more modern. Why not split up and become TWO seperate cultures???

Ha ha. Oh, Lincoln. You tickle my funny bone.

Hmm, so the Shifter is a misogynist as well as a megalomaniac.

Modern centaurs win, basically. But Ari insists that EVERYBODY wins.

So they give her one of the golden rings.

All the centaurs' names end in I.

If they can't find the mother unicorn, they're going to leave the babies in the forest. By themselves. And let them get eaten by wolves. Nice.

Lori could always stay with them, but Ari is her ticket out of Balinor, soooo....

Chase says it's the right thing to do because the kingdom is at stake.

Hee. Unicorn mommy's cry of angst is "Eeeeeeeraaaaaaaah, eeeeerraaaaaaah."

They meet the mother. Her name is Orion, which is SOOO a boy's name.

She abandoned her babies because their dad is a traitor. That sucks.

She takes the babies back. And gives Ari another ring.

Wild unicorns are basically ginormous shire-y types.

Yes, there will be a war, Atalanta. Suck it up.

After a long day of questing, there's nothing like a good manicure to make you feel like new.

Ha ha ha! Let's laugh at Lori some more.

Ha. They meet Minge and he totally forgot Chase's name. So much for Lord of the Unicorns, or whatever.

Something's wrong with Bohnesy??

Ari has a problem with a lot of people. Either they're falling at her feet and worshiping her, or she considers them "rude".

And Bohnes gives her the third ring. Ari complains way too much; she's got it easy.

So Bohnes is sick; the third test is for Ari to be "strong" enough to leave Bohnes and let her die. Hmm.

But Bohnes was just faking being sick. Boooo.

Thank God that's over. Avalon tomorrow; it's a good one XP.

Is the storyline really about Nazis, or Unicorns of Balinor #5: Search for the Star

I really wish Miley Cyrus wouldn't dance. But that's not the point. Okay. I've read each Unicorns of Balinor book multiple times, but this one only once. Because I didn't know how to place holds. You probably didn't care to know that, though.



Plot: The dragon Naytin guards this thing called the Indigo Star. It is, as you may have guessed, an indigo star, but it's a MAGIC star. Shifter knows Naytin wakes up every 1000 years, and it just so happens he's about to wake up, so Shifter pops over and steals the Star. Why? Um...it's pretty, shiny, and magical. Why NOT??
He uses the Star to steal the Celestial Unicorns' color. Now Atalanta is a lovely bleach white. HAHAHAHA. This is pretty bad, though, because without color, they have no magic. I thought your magic came from your jewel and horn. Guess not.
Naytin is pretty mad, so he attacks Balinor to blow off some steam. This scares the crap out of the people of Balinor.
Ari, being Ari, feels the need to go save it, because she has to be the hero. She, Finn, Lori, Lincoln, and Chase go with a bunch of Dragon Slayers to some place. She tells the Dragon Slayers who she really is, goes to the Shifter's Palace alone, and steals the Star from Shifter and gives it back to Naytin. Pretty simple, really.
Oh, and there was this whole thing where people sort of want to tell everyone Ari is Princess of Balinor, or whatever, but they decide not to in case of war? Pretty stupid.

More notes:
So far, every book has started with "Atalanta". How annoying is that?

Lol. They have a chapter from the Shifter's point of view and he's all, "Yeah, so I stole the Scepter, but the Princess stole it from me!!!"

Dragons don't have treasure, so a lot of people who search for dragon's caves are wasting their time. Entia thinks this is hilarious.

Okay, if the Shifter can shapeshift into anything, ANYTHING, why hasn't he killed Ari already?? He could turn into a Celestial unicorn, infiltrate Celestial Valley, kill them all, then pretend to be Ari and lure her off a cliff or something. Really, he's not very imaginative. "I shall turn into...a BLACK unicorn. That will inspire fear into the hearts of my slaves!"

Oh, but now that he has a powerful magic object, he's going to do something bad to Atalanta. What?

HE SAYS ATALANTA IS PURPLE, TOO!!!

Ugh, what is with boys? "Atalanta! SEE WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU!!" Enough with the yelling!

The blue band starts fading. I think I would like a blue unicorn. There is one on the cover, but he doesn't look very faded.

Blue begins the rainbow? Really? That's not what Roy G. Biv said.

Oh gee, if you combine the Royal Scepter with the Indigo Star, you will get the most powerful magic in the world. Hm, ARI has the Royal Scepter. How convenient.

Finn is scared of Ari now that he knows she's a princess. That's not very Anakin of you, Finn.

Lori wants Finn's body.

Lori: I will never, ever, EVER go on that ship again!
Toby: Nobody asked you to come in the first place.
OWNED!

Ari stares at Finn for like 5 minutes and is all, "Lori thinks he's good-looking." Don't you? If not, WHY WERE YOU STARING?

She asks CHASE if HE thinks Finn is hot. Ari, Chase is a boy. Wait...is Chase gay??

Ha ha. Atalanta is white.

There are three types of unicorns: Workers, who are fat and don't deserve magic because they're the worker class; Royals, who are beautiful and live in the palace, but don't do anything important; and Celestials, who live in the valley and boss everyone around.

Samlett: Permission to hug you, I say, to hug you.
Ari: Permission granted.
Perv.

Lori: Without Finn's help, Ari never would have beaten the Shifter.
They try to make it seem like this is a self-centered statement, but it's true.

Ari gives Chase some oats and Finn is like, "NOOOOOOO! yOu MuSt NoT dO wOrK!!!"
Finn: Let me do that for you.
Ari: I'm the only one who takes care of Chase.
Finn: But Your Royal Highness.
Ari: *annoyed* Are you going to continue calling me "Your Royal Highness"?
Finn: Am I in the wrong way of addressing you, milday?
Ari: Yes. I want you to call me Ari.
Finn: But! Your Royal Highness...I can't!
Ari: Why?
Finn: Because I am not your equal milady.
Now Ari gives a wise speech about how we are all equal, but have different jobs to do. Not true, seeing as Workers do all the work, but are not equal to Royals or Celestials....

Ooh, the Queen was a wise woman, too. XP

Lol, Shifter changes into a wolf and tricks Naytin into thinking some kids from Balinor stole the star. Reminds me of the mistwolves.

There's a big windstorm caused by Naytin, and Ari is like, "I WON'T LEAVE YOU, CHASE!" "MILADY, YOU MUST GO!" "NO, CHASE!" "YES, MILADY!!" Finally, Samlett has to drag Ari to the cellar. Lol. They have a cellar in case of tornadoes.

Lori: Honestly, Ari. Samlett's right, you know. You can't go out there. Even I know that. I would have made a much better Princess than you. Are you sure there hasn't been some mistake? Maybe it really is me, I mean, you know, like I'm the real Princess. Has anybody looked into that?
Nice, Lori. You gotta hit 'em with a dose of reality now and then.

Everyone: *laughs at Lori*
Lori: It's not that funny. I just don't understand you people!
Finn: Don't be upset. Look how you've cheered everyone up.
Lori: Not everyone can have a positive effect on people. I takes a great deal of talent.
Finn is such a player. Right after he pacifies Lori, he winks at Ari.

Chase gets stuck in a tree, but he's fine.

The Restistance? Sounds like Star Wars to me.

Okay, if I had one of the most powerful tools of magic, I would KILL all the Celestial unicorns. Getting their colors back with Princess Ari in the house is pretty easy.

Some Dragon Slayers come to the meeting. They wear a lot of leather.

Ari: But why do you want to attack the dragon? I mean, Naytin is gone now, gone back to the Mountain, where it belongs. What is the point in killing it?
Valona: The point is that it will come again. THe dragon has left its lair because someone has stolen the Indigo Star. Therefore, the dragon is interested in only two things: eating from the lake, and destroying everything in its path until it finds the Star or until the Star is returned.
Ari: Then why not return the Indigo Star to Naytin?
This is the best idea Ari has ever had, and EVERYBODY in the room is like, "What's wrong with that girl? Is she INSANE?"

The Dragonslayers need 5 volunteers. Ari stands up, so Finn volunteers in a heat of passion, followed by a jealous Lori. Then Ari recruits her dog and unicorn. 3 teenagers, a dog, and a unicorn?? That'll work.

Finn: Let's go!
Lori: You can sometimes be very annoying.
ROFL, this is coming from Lori.

Whatever. Ari so likes Finn and is way jealous of Lori.
I think that's why I never make romance Sims. Because they're always players. Life goal: Woohoo with 8 million other people and. STDs?

The Shifter's all, "I can't use the Star with that dragon about!" Oooh, ooh, how about you use the Star to KILL the dragon???? Moron.

Huh. The Shifter likes being in human form. I find that interesting.

There's a page on how much better unicorns are than horses. Well, I would love to agree, but there aren't many unicorns in my part of the country.

Whoa, Ari freed slaves from the Valley of Fear? I don't remember that.

"Finn's words brought tears to Ari's eyes. She wanted to walk up to him and hug him tightly. But instead she mirrored the smile he had on his face. And felt her cheeks turn red."
YOU LIKE HIM!!

What is it with all the stupid "wise" proverbs? "Sometimes it is the thorn that defeats the lion. The Shifter never sleeps."

"No one will defeat the Shifter now that he has in the Indigo Star. Soon the Shifter will rule the world." Are you kidding me? He has the worst plans ever.

A servant plans on stabbing Shifter in the heart. Ari's like, "No. There are other ways to defeat him." THAT'S SO STUPID!! She could stab him in the heart and he would be DEAD! The war would be OVER!! You'd get your CASTLE BACK!!

Lame. Ari hypnotizes him and he falls asleep.

Why does the Shifter want to be human so bad??

Indigo Star + Royal Scepter = amazing power. AND SHE DOESN'T KILL THE SHIFTER! YOU IDIOT!!

HOw does one return the colors back to Celestial Valley? Ari doesn't do anything of the sort, and suddenly the blue unicorns are back to their cerulean selves.

She gives the star back to Naytin. All is well.

Lame. Hey, it snowed today, so I have extra free time. Next, Madison Finn and maybe a Pony Pals.

More stereotypical signs of evil, or Unicorns of Balinor #3: The Valley of Fear

Mary Stanton is just as bad as Christopher Paolini. This whole book was a blatant ripoff of LOTR and Chronicles of Narnia. She should read that sandwich review.



Plot: Arianna and Co. are still questing for that scepter. Turns out it's in the Valley of Fear, a Mordor-like land full of demon unicorns, volcanic ash, and *gasp* THE SHIFTER HIMSELF!!!
Um, while questing, Chase finds out that some of the animals have turned to the Dark Side and are eating other animals. Uh...your point? Apparently, that's now how things are in Balinor. Chase freaks out.
Yeah. Um, nothing really interesting happens. Ari complains a lot about being the princess and Atalanta tells her how special and right she is to feel that way. Then Lori tells everyone she wants to go home, and they're like, "STOP COMPLAINING!!!"
So they hear this prophecy from the Old Mare of the Mountain:
Six shall find the Scepter Royal,
The quick, the smart, the brave, the loyal,
Of humans there shall be but two,
One young and one whose past is new,
Of Six who go, two wait to learn,
Three of Six shall not return
Um, yeah, way to not copy LOTR. It turns out the Six are: Arianna, Chase, Dill and Basil (two foxes), Lincoln, and Lori.
Lori is sooo not happy about that.
So they go on the quest, dressed like orcs, or soldiers of darkness, or whatever.
It's SOOOOOOOOO hard, and Arianna is noble about everything. Hate.
So they get to the castle (um, that was easy), and Lady Kylie is there (you know, the evil lady from Book #2 who tried to capture Ari and almost killed Lincoln?) with the scepter. Turns out Lori betrayed everyone or something and was in league with Lady Kylie. Oh, but it's all right, she didn't know Kylie was evil. So there's a battle, but Kylie gets pwned.
So they're trying to escape, but then Lori falls into THE PIT (some scary place where the slaves are kept), and Ari tries to follow her, but trips and falls in, too, and now they're all back at Glacier River Farm.
Confusing? Do I suck at summarizing? Both? I'm sorry if you totally didn't understand any of that.

More notes:
The first four paragraphs begin with "Atalanta".

HOW DO SILVER AND WHITE FIT INTO THE RAINBOW??

AARGH mahogany and gold are NOT THE SAME!!

Aw. Lori admits to being homesick. You can't not feel a little bit sorry for her.

I like how Lori says what I'm thinking about Ari: "I suppose you're going to tell me you can't talk because you're in sooooo much pain."

Mary Stanton needs to stop writing incomplete sentences.

Aargh. Ari doesn't want to become a cruel and selfish leader. She's sooo wise!

Lies, lies. Atalanta's all, "You could go back to Glacier River Farm, where you'd go to school and make new friends!" Weren't Anne and Frank planning to homeschool? Just saying.

Ha. They said "garrison". Long story.

All unicorns are mentally retarded.
Lori: You get more wood. What am I, your slave?
Toby: What? The great me?

Dr. Bohnes is back...and she brought a pack of wolves. They totally reminded me of mistwolves.

"Um...uh...welcome." Way to go, Ari.

Ew, the wolves are drooling over Chase.

Chase: My good wolf, who commits the hunt? And when? Tell me!
Rufus: The big cats, as well as my pack. The bears. The ferrets. The great birds.
I'm sorry, but I found that really funny. LOOK OUT, EVERYBODY, HUNGRY FERRETS ON THE LOOSE!

Lori: Well, honestly. This is stupid. It's the way things are. I mean, I'm sorry, but that's what the world's like. Big fish eat little fish. Little fish eat teeny fish.
Um, yeah. Can you honestly say that the wolves, bears, and FERRETS are surviving on bugs and grass? That's not a lot of protein. Ooh, this is the part where Chase flips out:
Chase: Not here.
Lori: But-
Chase: NOT HERE IN BALINOR!

Heh. Toby.
"We can't, adn that's final, missy. Eat your cheese. And if you're not going to eat that apple, giv eit to me."
"Get your own apple."
Lol. I'll be saying that all day. "EAT YOUR CHEESE!"

Ooh, everyone's talking about Lori.
"Ari was too far away to hear, but she could guess they were talking about: how bossy she was, how ignorant of the realities of life, how stubborn."
Yeah, that describes you to a T, Ari.

"There is something trailing us."
"Following us? What do you mean, trailing us?"
WHAT ELSE COULD HE MEAN???

How Indiana Jones of you, Chase.
"I hope it's not a snake. Anything except a-"
He gets attacked by a snake.

So the head of the Animal Council is a lion...named Vanax. Lol, rhymes with Xanax?

Why does she have to use obvious animals as "allies of the Shifter", like snakes and stuff?

Okay, Chase is like, "If you eat meat, you will pay the ultimate price! That's right: become mute forever!"
Seriously? I'd rather become mute. I thought the ULTIMATE PRICE was death or something.

I love the foxes. "Don't shove me, Dill!" "I'll shove you when I please."

Retarded. Chase is like, "No, we shall have no army. It's better that way." Well, yeah, if you WANT to lose.

Okay, come on, this is the SECOND TIME! Ari was supposed to find the Old Mare of the Mountain and the OMM finds HER!!! This is almost as bad as the ruby quest.

Okay, that prophecy? Whatever. I'll call the Tolkien estate myself. "6 companions...so be it...you shall be the Fellowship of the Scepter."

Okay, Lori is supposed to go with them to fulfill the prophecy, and Lori doesn't want to go. Ari's all, "OH no, what will I do now?" Um, how about MAKE HER GO rather than ASK her?

Atalanta: And you must be alert to danger.
Toby: What kind of danger?
"Atalanta gazed at him. The black-and-white unicorn was the rudest herdmate they had ever had."
What's rude about wanting to know what you're up against?

"'I'm not going now.' Lori folded her arms across her chest. 'I'm spending the night in a real bed. I'll think about leaving in the morning.'
Ari marched over to her. She grabbed Lori's shoulders in both hands and stared directly into her face. Ari dropped her voice to a fierce whisper. 'You. Will. Do. What. I. Say.'"
:O Dang, go Ari. I like how this is the one time she stands up to Lori with force.

OMG, Atalanta gives Ari something called THE STAR BOTTLE to be used only when there is no way out. Geee, sounds a lot like something Frodo received from Galadriel....

Ari complains about carrying all Lori's crap. I thought you liked hard work???

Lol. Dill and Basil totally reminded me of "the little foxes" from Song of Solomon.

"The chubby landlord flushed bright pink. He bit his mustache to hide his pleasure in Ari's kiss."
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???

"Then, out of the castle flew the Shifter himself - this time transformed into the shape of a black dragon. His body was thick with muscle. His long wings sprang from his shoulders, stretched out like those of a gigantic wasp. His iron hooves grew grossly large. He had not one horn on his head but two, one behind each ear, curling up above his head in a huge ram's arc."
Wait, is this a dragon or a unicorn? Cuz dragons don't have hooves.

Their disguises sound JUST LIKE the orc uniforms Sam and Frodo wore in "Return of the King".

Okay, two twelve-year-old girls and a unicorn could pass as dark soldiers, but a dog and two foxes? You'd have to be REALLY stupid not to see through that.

The foxes threaten to leave Lori, but Ari's all, "We're all in this together." Right...just like "High School Musical".

Ari has Anakin-Syndrome: the desire to save everyone.

Ha. Ari gets Chase to eat soap and convince the other soldiers that they have rabies. Pretty smart.

Laaaaaaame. Mary Stanton basically copied the snake-shifting out of "The Silver Chair".

AAAAAAAAAARGH! Arianna whips out the Star Bottle when Lady Kylie attacks Lori and it shines a very bright light into her eyes. OMG!!! SAM! SHELOB!!! YOU PLAGIARIST!!!

Oh, now that Arianna has the scepter, her past becomes completely clear.

And now they're back across the Gap. Um, cool? Ari seems WAAAY too happy about this. Whatever.

Coming right up, we have a Madison Finn!!! #7, tho, seeing as I'll probably NEVER have #6.

Not even demon unicorns can stop him, or Unicorns of Balinor #2: Sunchaser's Quest

The second of the Balinor series. Get out your barf bags, ladies and gentlemen; it's going to be a bumpy ride.



Plot: When we last left our heroes, Arianna, Chase, Lincoln, and Lori had just landed in a magical land called Balinor. They had a near-run in with some demon unicorns, but they're safe now.
Everything is going all right...sort of. Lori is being a spoiled brat and is forcing Ari to let her ride Chase while she tries to find help. Ari manages to locate a village and asks for help from a man named Samlett, owner of the Unicorn Inn (what an original name). Taking Lori for a princess, he gives her shelter for the night. Taking Ari for Lori's maid, he forces her to clean out the stables.
Ari, however, likes work. Because she's the reincarnation of Snow White. She's absolutely peeing her pants with delight. She also meets a bunch of LOVELY people, such as Lady Kiley. Lady Kiley tries to capture her, however. Not so nice. She is saved by Atalanta - the Dreamspeaker herself!! Atalanta helps Ari remember that she's the princess of Balinor, her legs were all screwed up by the Shifter, who also cut off Chase AKA the Sunchaser's horn, and captured her family. Turns out he's trying to kill her cuz of some prophecy...but that's another story for another time.
Atalanta also tells Ari that she has to go on a quest to retrieve the ruby necklace from "Across the Gap" (what the call "the real world" in Balinor) because it is part of Chase's broken horn. Arianna has 3 of the 4 pieces, and she needs the ruby to fit them together. Atalanta goes on and on about the dangerous quest...and then Dr. Bohnes magically appears, toting the famed ruby. Oh. All right then.
So Atalanta, improvizing, sends Ari off to find the Jewelwright Minge so he can fix the horn for Chase.
After a lot of buttkissing from Samlett, who's ashamed to think that he once thought that Ari was a maid - ha - Ari, Bohnesy (who it turns out is Ari's old nurse), Lori, Chase, and Lincoln go on the quest, followed reluctantly by Tobiano. Remember him from Celestial Valley? They don't know he's a Celestial unicorn, though, because he's not as BEAUTIFUL as he should be.
Bla bla bla, questing. Shifter almost gets Ari, but they get to the Jewelright. They fix the horn. Toby gets stuck in quicksand. Ari saves him. Bla bla.
So I THINK they're back at the Inn when Ari and Chase decide since they know where the missing piece of horn is, they'll go off BY THEMSELVES and look for it.
It's not very exciting. They go to Shifter's castle/Ari's old house, find the piece, "narrowly miss death" (whatever. They got chased by a fat demon unicorn for 2 seconds.), and go back home. Sunchaser can speak again. And he's more annoying than ever. Ari isn't punished for trying to be a hero. Now they all have to search for Ari's scepter. Whoopee. To be continued....

More notes:
It's like every book has to open with a whole page describing Atalanta's beauty. I REALLY do not like her.

:P Another fat unicorn. Of course she's a nanny.

HOW DOES CHOCOLATE BROWN FIT INTO THE RAINBOW? AND WHY IS CHOCOLATE BROWN WITH OBSIDIAN OVERTONES THE MOST STUBBORN COLOR???? I THOUGHT THAT WAS WINE!!

ENOUGH ABOUT DEVI'S HIGH SWEET VOICE!

Since when does Tobiano have a Cockney accent? "Devi! Get out o' there, bud!"

Whaa? Toby is trying to save Devi's butt, and Devi's all, "Oh, that Toby, he's so rude, and he doesn't like foals!" That MUST be why he's trying to help you out.

AAAH, MORE COCKNEY! "Interferin' little one. Send him back to his ma, I say."

:O Devi messes with the Watching Pool and ATALANTA LETS HIM OFF WITH A WARNING!!! If it had been Toby, he probably would've been murdered. LAAAAME. This is probably supposed to show what a wise, sweet ruler she is. Bull.

"She holds the Deep Magic." Way to copy "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe".

Bam. Lori insults Ari's bad legs.

Yes, Ari. You've been abducted by aliens.

OMG!!! "And the men wore boots, tights, and loose shirts that look as if they were made out of rough cotton."
TIGHTS??? WHY NOT PANTS???

All fat people are cheerful. Right.

Ugh, now Ari's talking about "rude old Tobiano".

I think Mr. Samlett just called Ari ugly.

Hey, I can't post. Nothing wrong with that.

Okay, Ari's going around the stables and looking at the unicorns, and she can tell which ones are girls and which are boys, and then she gets a glimpse of Atalanta, and she's like, "I know that's a mare...but I don't know how!" Then what were you just doing??

AAAAAAGH a lame pun about a riverbank...you don't want to know.

Lori makes up a really good lie about where they're from, and Ari's like, "Whatever. I'm mad at her."

She calls Lori a "bra"?

Lori's sort of a brat, but at least she's human. Ari, I think, is an alien.

Ooh, outfits!
"The dark red skirt had pretty embriodery around the hem but was a little big around the middle, so she rolled up the waistband. [Whatever. You just wanted to show off those legs of yours.] The blouse was made of a soft, off-white cotton and had full sleeves and a scoop neck that tied with two strings. The leather vest fit snugly and it would be nice and warm as the evening cooled. She wound her hair up on top of her head and clipped it with her barrettes."
I'm picturing Annie Oakley.

Wth?????
Licoln: If they are bad, I will bite them and bite them!
Okaaay, way to not sound retarded.

Of course the female villainess has black hair.

??
Ari: *looks at the peaches* Oh, my. Several of these have brown spots.
Um...thanks?

Way to ruin Lori's lie.
Lexan: So, where are you from?
Ari: Well, sir, my friends and I. We're from north of the Gap.

Yay, a recycled overused chase scene.
Lincoln: Run, Ari! Run!
Ari: I won't leave you here!
Lincoln: You must! Go now! Go now! I cannot save us both.
Ari: I can't leave you!
Lincoln: THEY DON'T WANT ME! THEY WANT YOU! RUN!

Lady Kylie pwns Lincoln.

"My dearest dear" is quite an odd term of...um, endearment.

Let it be known that Ari calls her two brothers Tace and Bren. THESE NAMES CHANGE MULTIPLE TIMES THROUGHOUT THE SERIES. I think one time it was Ben and Tally.

Oh, it turns out Kylie was her mommy's BFF...but now she's working for the Shifter. Oh, burn.

And now she takes some dialogue out of Star Wars.
Ari: There already has been a terrible cost. My dog is hurt, maybe dead! My family the same! I hate the Shifter! I hate him!
Atalanta: You must put aside your hate, Arianna. Hate will not save you or your people.
Ari: Hate makes me strong.
Atalanta: Hate blinds you. Hate is a tool of the Shifter.

And now we will listen to a lecture on evolution.

Atalanta talks about Ari's quest for like 20 minutes...then it turns out she doesn't need to go on one. :P Lame.

I thought Lincoln had black and gold fur. Now he's described with cream and bronze fur.

Ari: Please get off your knees, Mr. Samlett. It feels really weird to have you down there.
:O QUESTIONABLE CONTENT!

Lori: So I supposed I'll come along.
Ari: You? Are you sure you want to?
Lori: Why not? Do you expect me to stay here? Without money? That Samlett character said he'd give me a room, all right. As long as I mucked out the stalls and scrubbed the kitchen floor. Forget that.
Ari: But, Lori. I might be dangerous.
Lori: Old Bohnes is a wizard, isn't she? And who's going to mess with a Princess? That is, if you are a Princess, which I don't believe for one second flat. Besides...I'm scared to stay here by mself. I saw those creeps go after you last night. If those jerks come looking for a thirteen-year-old girl and find one, they aren't going to believe me when I tell them it isn't me. And frankly, Ari, who looks more like a Princess? You or me? I don't want to risk staying here alone, thank you very much.
How can you not love her?

I'm really confused about how to pronounce Dr. Bohnes first name: it's spelled Eliane, so it's not Elaine, so what??

Yay, Mary Stanton ripped off the Nazgul.

The peasants are restless. They will revolt. Like a heavy metal song.

Toby has no sense of direction.
Toby: Your directions were awful. Past the cove of pine trees, you said. Then north by northeast, you said.
Bohnes: I was right. It's you who can't tell north from south, Toby.
Toby: Hey! You face north, right? If you face north, south is in back of you. East is to the left of you.
Bohnes: East is to the right of you. I told you before.
Toby: LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!

Now she's ripping off the evil crabine or whatever from LOTR.

Ugh, Sunchaser.
I. DO. NOT. RUN. FROM. BATTLE!

Quicksand? In the middle of the woods? In BALINOR???

Toby almost dies. And they still hate him.

PULL FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

And Toby blames them for his neardeath experience: You-told-me-to-take-a-left!!!

Numinor is annoying. I don't know who's worse, him or Sunchaser.

Blah. The "quest" is so boring.

Chase is problem horse. No wonder Lori had trouble with him. Oh, I forgot, he's a UNICORN, and LORD OF ALL ANIMALS, so he GETS to act like that.

Dang, abusive relationship much. As soon as Chase learns to talk again, he's all, "ARIANNA! COME TO ME!"

Wth? If Lori had run off to find the missing piece of Chase's horn, Bohnesy would've killed her. But it's Princess Arianna, and it's her DESTINY, so I guess that's all right.

Lol. Lori finds out the next quest is to find the missing scepter and is all, "Ari is my BFF."

Ugh, did not enjoy that. Thankfully, tomorrow we'll be back onto horses. No more unicorns for the time being. At least not until Friday.

Every journey begins with a step, or Unicorns of Balinor #1: The Road to Balinor

I used to LOVE this series. I mean, an author that catered to unicorn-loving adolescents was good enough for me. I wasn't as critical than as I am now. Rereading this, I have NO IDEA why I liked it so much. Actually, I recall really hating this first one, but the rest of the series tickled my fancy, lol.



Plot: Arianna Langley doesn't remember anything. No, she does not have short-term memory loss, but she was in a car accident recently. That explains why she's in a wheelchair and her legs hurt so badly. But two people named Ann and Frank come to the hospital and insist that she is their foster daughter, and that she was in a car accident with her horse, Chase, and now he has a huge scar on his head. They take her and a mysterious dog named Lincoln (who has given her a ruby necklace; weird, yeah, but it's important) back home to Glacier River Farm.
Meanwhile, back in Celestial Valley (the magical land of unicorns, of course), Atalanta the Dream Speaker is fretting over the loss of Princess Arianna. That's right; Ari's a princess. Turns out an evil being named Entia, or the Shifter, exiled her parents, kidnapped her brothers, and almost killed her and Chase, who is actually the Sunchaser, Lord of all animals in Balinor, the land he and Ari come from.
Back to real life. Ari continues to heal and learns to ride Chase again, with the help of Dr. Bohnes. Unfortunately, Ann and Frank are broke, so they decide to lease Chase to a rich girl and her parents. The rich girl's name is Lori Carmichael and is so stereotyped it's not even funny: blonde, spoiled, pretty, prone to temper tantrums....
Ari hates Lori and doesn't want to give Chase up. Duh. Nothing really interesting happens except for Chase starts talking in Ari's head and Lori blames Ari for Chase's bad behavior, so she is severely punished (not).
Finally, she can't take it anymore. Not wanting to lose Chase, Ari runs away with him, but Lori follows with Lincoln. All four of them fall into a nearby cave (hmmm, how convenient), and land in Balinor. To be continued....

More notes:
Of course the main character has to be a princess. Mary-Sue much?

Oh, and her bonded unicorn is the Lord of all Animals.

Wth, Mary Stanton totally copied the Eye of Sauron. Actually, Peter Jackson was the one who took "the Eye" so literally, and the first movie came out in 2001, so in reality, HE copied HER.

Rednal of the Fiery Coals? What kind of name is that? He used to be my favorite unicorn.

Numinor seems like an Andalusian.

OMG, this is the unicorn's rainbow song:
Red and yellow, orange and green
Purple, silver, and blue
The rainbow we make defends those we guard
In Balinor's cities and fields.
Lol, that doesn't even rhyme! I'm totally putting this to music.

Ha. Atalanta says "bullocks".

So the Shifter is an anarchist??

Atalanta and Numinor are so annoying as a married couple. Always arguing. And they both get on my nerves: Atalanta is all demure and beautiful, and Numinor has too much testosterone.

I'm having a lot of trouble picturing Lincoln the collie. They say he's black and gold? But on the cover of #4 he's all chestnut and beautiful.

Wth, the names of her guardians are ANN and FRANK?? Wth, if they're trying to be funny, it's not working.

I like how every unicorn but Chase, Numinor, and Atalanta get a really brief description. Seriously:
It was a stallion. The light gleamed on his bronze coat. His chest and quarters were heavily muscled, his withers well-shaped. But it was his head and eyes that were the most beautiful to Ari. His forehead was broad, the muzzle well-shaped, with delicately flared nostrils. As he stepped forward, she looked deep into his eyes, large, brown, and full of sorrow.
First of all, there are some definite grammatical and punctuation errors in that, but it's so obvious that Mary Stanton is in love with Chase. How do you have well-shaped withers???

Frank: Well, you slept in the palace, I mean - in the house of course.
Nice save.

Okay, whatever. If she was REALLY injured in a car accident (which she so wasn't), how was Chase hurt? And who was driving? And why aren't they hurt? Ari is so gullible.

Atalanta has no sense of humor.

I like how all the matronly unicorns are fat.

I wouldn't want my horse leased out to someone without my permission, but Ari is so selfish.

Aaagh, I hate Chase.
Chase: Ah yes, I know him. But will he obey the Great Me?
I think that was supposed to be funny. Ari's probably giggling her modest head off.

Oh dear, this part of the woods must be dangerous, because no birds sing here and the wildflowers are scarce! :P This isn't Bambi!!!

Who names they're horse Shy-No-More? Or Beecher?

This sentence doesn't use the right tense.
They got even more prominent when she'd told him about the way the caves seem to draw her in, beckoning.
Shouldn't it be "seemed"? And "she had told" is incorrect. HOW DID THIS WOMAN GET PUBLISHED?

Okay, forealz, if you're a bad rider, that doesn't make you an awful person. I hate to say it, but Lori's "riding" verges on animal abuse.

"GIVE HIM THE WHIP! GIVE HIM THE WHIP!" Who says that??? I'd call the police. And PETA.

If you're abusing an animal, it's not your place to order it to be shot. "ALL I DID WAS KICK IT! AND THEN IT BIT ME! I WANT IT SHOT!"

Oh no, Chase starts talking.
"Little man! You shall be dirt beneath my hooves, little man. I will crush his bones with the Snake!"
And Ari's all, "*gasp* *hyperventilate* Oh----my----gosh----I----think-----Chase----is----talking???"

I like how Lori's dad doesn't cuss; he just says "darn" a lot.

Heh. Ari gets attacked by flies.

Ann wants to home-school Ari. Boooo....

Let's see, a dog came into your hospital room and gave you a big ruby necklace, you can't remember anything about your past, and your horse just started talking. Ari, aren't you even the least bit suspicious?

Aaaaagh. Atalanta wasn't talking about saving Chase THAT WAY!! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

ROFL, Lincoln attacks Lori.

Aaaargh. Why does Ari have to be all perfect and Mary Sue? She should slap Lori. But no. She decides to "ignore her". Sweetie, that NEVER WORKS.

:P She leaves a "coded" note for Doctor Bohnes.
"Sell the DOG LEASH in my sock drawer!
PLEASE!
Love, Ari."
Yeah, that wasn't WAY OBVIOUS, seeing as DOG LEASH was in CAPITALS.

His name is TOBIANO. I'm seeing a paint here, not an appaloosa.

I hate how they make a huge deal about Tobiano being so "rude". I like him.

How does a black and white unicorn fit in the rainbow?

Yeah, a cave that smells like death and is inhabited by flies. Let's go there!

Rofl. Lori unashamedly insults Ari. That's refreshing.

Lol, Linc is funny, too. And he has an accent.

And he talks to himself?

OH NO, AN ARMY OF ANGRY BLACK UNICORNS!!! Of course black is evil. I personally think red is an "eviller" color than black.

Lori: What was that?
Ari: Uh, bears?
Yeah, that's believable.

ROFL, this is my favorite part in the whole book: Ari looks around and sees a sign that says, "Welcome to Balinor". LOL. I find that really hilarious. That seems so anachronistic.

Yeah, so there you have it. I've been stalling, but I'll post another Balinor tomorrow, and then the first of the Horseshoe trilogies.