Every journey begins with a step, or Unicorns of Balinor #1: The Road to Balinor

I used to LOVE this series. I mean, an author that catered to unicorn-loving adolescents was good enough for me. I wasn't as critical than as I am now. Rereading this, I have NO IDEA why I liked it so much. Actually, I recall really hating this first one, but the rest of the series tickled my fancy, lol.



Plot: Arianna Langley doesn't remember anything. No, she does not have short-term memory loss, but she was in a car accident recently. That explains why she's in a wheelchair and her legs hurt so badly. But two people named Ann and Frank come to the hospital and insist that she is their foster daughter, and that she was in a car accident with her horse, Chase, and now he has a huge scar on his head. They take her and a mysterious dog named Lincoln (who has given her a ruby necklace; weird, yeah, but it's important) back home to Glacier River Farm.
Meanwhile, back in Celestial Valley (the magical land of unicorns, of course), Atalanta the Dream Speaker is fretting over the loss of Princess Arianna. That's right; Ari's a princess. Turns out an evil being named Entia, or the Shifter, exiled her parents, kidnapped her brothers, and almost killed her and Chase, who is actually the Sunchaser, Lord of all animals in Balinor, the land he and Ari come from.
Back to real life. Ari continues to heal and learns to ride Chase again, with the help of Dr. Bohnes. Unfortunately, Ann and Frank are broke, so they decide to lease Chase to a rich girl and her parents. The rich girl's name is Lori Carmichael and is so stereotyped it's not even funny: blonde, spoiled, pretty, prone to temper tantrums....
Ari hates Lori and doesn't want to give Chase up. Duh. Nothing really interesting happens except for Chase starts talking in Ari's head and Lori blames Ari for Chase's bad behavior, so she is severely punished (not).
Finally, she can't take it anymore. Not wanting to lose Chase, Ari runs away with him, but Lori follows with Lincoln. All four of them fall into a nearby cave (hmmm, how convenient), and land in Balinor. To be continued....

More notes:
Of course the main character has to be a princess. Mary-Sue much?

Oh, and her bonded unicorn is the Lord of all Animals.

Wth, Mary Stanton totally copied the Eye of Sauron. Actually, Peter Jackson was the one who took "the Eye" so literally, and the first movie came out in 2001, so in reality, HE copied HER.

Rednal of the Fiery Coals? What kind of name is that? He used to be my favorite unicorn.

Numinor seems like an Andalusian.

OMG, this is the unicorn's rainbow song:
Red and yellow, orange and green
Purple, silver, and blue
The rainbow we make defends those we guard
In Balinor's cities and fields.
Lol, that doesn't even rhyme! I'm totally putting this to music.

Ha. Atalanta says "bullocks".

So the Shifter is an anarchist??

Atalanta and Numinor are so annoying as a married couple. Always arguing. And they both get on my nerves: Atalanta is all demure and beautiful, and Numinor has too much testosterone.

I'm having a lot of trouble picturing Lincoln the collie. They say he's black and gold? But on the cover of #4 he's all chestnut and beautiful.

Wth, the names of her guardians are ANN and FRANK?? Wth, if they're trying to be funny, it's not working.

I like how every unicorn but Chase, Numinor, and Atalanta get a really brief description. Seriously:
It was a stallion. The light gleamed on his bronze coat. His chest and quarters were heavily muscled, his withers well-shaped. But it was his head and eyes that were the most beautiful to Ari. His forehead was broad, the muzzle well-shaped, with delicately flared nostrils. As he stepped forward, she looked deep into his eyes, large, brown, and full of sorrow.
First of all, there are some definite grammatical and punctuation errors in that, but it's so obvious that Mary Stanton is in love with Chase. How do you have well-shaped withers???

Frank: Well, you slept in the palace, I mean - in the house of course.
Nice save.

Okay, whatever. If she was REALLY injured in a car accident (which she so wasn't), how was Chase hurt? And who was driving? And why aren't they hurt? Ari is so gullible.

Atalanta has no sense of humor.

I like how all the matronly unicorns are fat.

I wouldn't want my horse leased out to someone without my permission, but Ari is so selfish.

Aaagh, I hate Chase.
Chase: Ah yes, I know him. But will he obey the Great Me?
I think that was supposed to be funny. Ari's probably giggling her modest head off.

Oh dear, this part of the woods must be dangerous, because no birds sing here and the wildflowers are scarce! :P This isn't Bambi!!!

Who names they're horse Shy-No-More? Or Beecher?

This sentence doesn't use the right tense.
They got even more prominent when she'd told him about the way the caves seem to draw her in, beckoning.
Shouldn't it be "seemed"? And "she had told" is incorrect. HOW DID THIS WOMAN GET PUBLISHED?

Okay, forealz, if you're a bad rider, that doesn't make you an awful person. I hate to say it, but Lori's "riding" verges on animal abuse.

"GIVE HIM THE WHIP! GIVE HIM THE WHIP!" Who says that??? I'd call the police. And PETA.

If you're abusing an animal, it's not your place to order it to be shot. "ALL I DID WAS KICK IT! AND THEN IT BIT ME! I WANT IT SHOT!"

Oh no, Chase starts talking.
"Little man! You shall be dirt beneath my hooves, little man. I will crush his bones with the Snake!"
And Ari's all, "*gasp* *hyperventilate* Oh----my----gosh----I----think-----Chase----is----talking???"

I like how Lori's dad doesn't cuss; he just says "darn" a lot.

Heh. Ari gets attacked by flies.

Ann wants to home-school Ari. Boooo....

Let's see, a dog came into your hospital room and gave you a big ruby necklace, you can't remember anything about your past, and your horse just started talking. Ari, aren't you even the least bit suspicious?

Aaaaagh. Atalanta wasn't talking about saving Chase THAT WAY!! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

ROFL, Lincoln attacks Lori.

Aaaargh. Why does Ari have to be all perfect and Mary Sue? She should slap Lori. But no. She decides to "ignore her". Sweetie, that NEVER WORKS.

:P She leaves a "coded" note for Doctor Bohnes.
"Sell the DOG LEASH in my sock drawer!
PLEASE!
Love, Ari."
Yeah, that wasn't WAY OBVIOUS, seeing as DOG LEASH was in CAPITALS.

His name is TOBIANO. I'm seeing a paint here, not an appaloosa.

I hate how they make a huge deal about Tobiano being so "rude". I like him.

How does a black and white unicorn fit in the rainbow?

Yeah, a cave that smells like death and is inhabited by flies. Let's go there!

Rofl. Lori unashamedly insults Ari. That's refreshing.

Lol, Linc is funny, too. And he has an accent.

And he talks to himself?

OH NO, AN ARMY OF ANGRY BLACK UNICORNS!!! Of course black is evil. I personally think red is an "eviller" color than black.

Lori: What was that?
Ari: Uh, bears?
Yeah, that's believable.

ROFL, this is my favorite part in the whole book: Ari looks around and sees a sign that says, "Welcome to Balinor". LOL. I find that really hilarious. That seems so anachronistic.

Yeah, so there you have it. I've been stalling, but I'll post another Balinor tomorrow, and then the first of the Horseshoe trilogies.

A sticky mass of intrigue, or FTFO Madison Finn #4: Caught In the Web

Okaaaaay, so the library's website has a new colorscheme: purple and green. I'm not exactly sure what that stands for...Barney, maybe? Lol. No, seriously, it's weird.



Plot: Yay, it's almost Halloween. (I like how I'm posting this a month after Halloween. KRL sucks.) Madison joins the Halloween dance committee (sp?), but gets stuck in charge of decorations...WITH IVY DALY!!! *gasp* No, not that, anything but that!
Our adventurous little seventh grader has also entered an online story contest...although she doesn't have a story yet.
Nothing really happens in this book except Ivy is all bratty and mean to Madison, Madison practically throws up every time she sees Hart, and she has a "scary" sleepover with Fiona and Aimee, but things get a little TOO scary for them.
*sigh* All right, there's this story about Fiona's house that a woman named Mrs. Martin went upstairs to look for a dress to wear to a party, then decided to hide in a big trunk to surprise her husband. WTH??? Who does that??? Anyway, she got stuck inside, so her husband thought maybe she ran away. He dies of a broken heart and everyone just leaves the old trunk alone, until one day some movers come and find her shriveled up decomposed dead body. WHAT KIND OF GHOST STORY IS THAT???? That's worse than that "urban legend" I heard about some guy's wife who went to the bathroom, never came back, and ended up in a freakshow. I mean, that's some seriously crappy lying.
So at the sleepover, the girls use an (I'm not sure if "an" or "a" would be appropriate here, since Ouija is pronounced so weird) Ouija board to ask the ghost of Mrs. Martin if she'll go away. They end up getting locked in the bathroom with the lights off and they shriek for a while. Later, they go up into the attic and find a trunk, which they open. What? There's nothing inside? Um...duh.
More exciting things: Aimee gets a screenname on Bigfishbowl.com and finds out about Bigwheels. :P
At the dance, Madison dresses as Aphrodite and has a horrible time because Ivy flirts with Hart. But at least she learned an important lesson.... Um, WHAT? WHAT IMPORTANT LESSON? It says in the back of the book:
Madison's Computer Tip: Never download files from unknown senders.
What does that have anything to do with life and boys?

More notes:
Madison makes deep observations about "The Tell-Tale Heart". "It was weirder than weird."

Ha! Madison says she likes Hart because he's so smart. Oh, and he's cute. :P

Ivy: Wait! Wait, who are the Celtics again?
Chet: Just one of the best basketball teams ever!

Ooh! Mini pizzas and Cherry Garcia! This sleepover'll be a blast! Actually, that sounds pretty good to me.

Lol!! "You shouldn't mock ghosts, Maddie! Seriously! There are ghosts everywhere. You saw the 'Sixth Sense'."
Yeah, Bruce Willis never lies.

I can't believe Madison hasn't made a pun about "The Tell-Tale HART!" Hahahaha.

I agree that Aimee's brother Billy is boring. In like six books she seems to forget that she has a fourth brother. Also, he's so boring they never tell us how old he is and what he looks like.

Spanish for students is "estudiantes"? That's pretty close to the French word for study, but students is "eleve". Sorry, I'll shut up.

Wth!!! Ivy gets away with being late.

Uh oh, both Maddie and Ivy want to head decorations...
Ivy: Madison, I really think we both know who'd be better at taking care of the decorating, don't we?
Omg, that's so mean!!
Aimee: We do know who'd be better, Ivy. But I think Madison would like to give you a chance, too.
BAM! This is the one time I do not hate Aimee.

They still call Food Sciences "Home Ec". Man, I miss home ec.

Um, weird? Read this sentence:
"Her dad and his new girlfriend, Stephanie, Madison, and Aimee were going on a late afternoon trip to Peterson's Farm."
Doesn't that make it seem like her dad's girlfriend AND a girl named Stephanie are going? Sorry, it just bothered me.

Aimee was wearing a sweater that totally reminded me of a purple sweater that I used to have, and I really loved it, but then I saw a picture of me in 7th grade singing in children's choir (BLECH) and Emily was wearing it and I got really mad for some reason.

Aimee has the worst ideas for a screenname ever. "Twinkle toes? Bertha Big Butt?" Wtf?? Honestly.

AND she sucks at IMing. "What does 'C U' mean???"

I think Brbiedoll is the best screenname ever. Kidding.

Wth, Madison's all freaked out about Aimee finding out about Bigwheels and is all, "WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS!" Seriously, who cares if you have friends online? As long as their not middle-aged perverts?

Wth, Drew is so annoying. "Bell's about to ring, Egg. Egg, the bell's going to ring in like a minute. EGG! THE BELL!" I keep picturing him like ASB-BFF-Drew.

This is the most boring conversation I've ever heard.
Ivy: Whassup?
Hart: Not much. Whassup with you?
Ivy: Nothing.
Hart: So...what's going on?
Ivy: Nothing. What's going on with you?

Chet: Did you say Stein? As in Frank-en-stein?
Mr. Stein: Not Frank. BOB.
ROFL, this cracked me up.

Ew, Ivy is such a slut.

I hope Aimee knows that lip gloss is made from animals.

A $25 mystery game seems like a pretty lame prize for a story contest. I'd rather just get publicity...and maybe some cash.

I kind of feel bad for Maddie, cuz I stutter all the freaking time, but really:
"Hart? H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hey."

Hart: Yech. You have more guts than me, Finnster. I'm having a bologna sandwich today.
This made me start laughing really hard and I have NO IDEA WHY.

HART BLOWS IVY OFF!

Fiona is so hitting on Hart. Wth, stop it.

And she "flirts" with Egg by cocking her head. I'm going to try it, lol.
"Um, what are you doing?"
"Um, duh, flirting with you. *severe head cockage*"

Hey, there's nothing wrong with having hairy arms, Madison.

Madison tries on a cropped T-shirt and is surprised to find that it hangs down lower on her than it did on Fiona. Maybe because Fiona's taller and actually has boobs? Lol, coming from an A-cup. Just saying.

Foreshadowing of Aimee's eating disorder.

I don't get parents who don't let their kids see ANY PG-13 movies. I mean, that's good if you're like 7, but at 12, you should be able to watch a few. Unless it's Ben Stiller PG-13.

Yay, let's encourage communication with demons!!

Fiona's middle name is Jane??????

Dean knows how to pick locks???????

Yeah, of course the chest is empty. Even if the story is true (ha), did you really think after they'd opened the chest they'd just leave the body in there?

Whoa, aren't girls these days talking about doing much more than DANCING with a boy? Wait...you know what...shutting up.

Yay, Mrs. Martin tells them machkl. This is why I don't believe in that stuff.

Wow. Read Madison's story:
The Secret of the Old Trunk
It was a dark and stormy night. The house was dead quiet, except for the sound of leaves and rain on the roof. An old man stared at a picture on the wall. It was his wife. Her name was Ivy. [OMG, SHE'S WRITING A SCARY STORY ABOUT IVY??? And those last three sentences were too choppy, they could've been combined.] She had gone up to the attic before her wedding day to get an old blue dress in the old trunk. That was what she said. But she never returned. Her husband-to-be looked everywhere for her, but found nothing. He didn't look in the chest, though. It was sealed shut. [Wait, then she's not actually his wife if they never got married.]
Years went by.
One summer, the man's niece came to stay with him. Her name was Ivy, after the aunt she never knew. She found a photo album with pictures of Ivy and asked a lot of questions. The old man didn't like her being so nosy. She asked if she could go into the attic one day, and he said no, if was off-limits. But she went anyway.
When she got up there, she saw a trunk. It was very late at night, so she tried to be as quiet as a mouse. She had a skeleton key in her pocket to open the trunk. [Um, where did she get the key????] It worked and the lid cracked open.
There was an awful, terrible smell. She raised the lid a little more. Then she heard footsteps behind her.
"Go ahead and open it," the voice said. She knew it was the old man. He said, "Open it," three times.
She trembled and quaked.
"I SAID, OPEN IT!" the man screamed at her.
The girl pushed open the lid, covering her nose and eyes as she did. She gasped with fear.
"Look inside," the man said.
And so the girl did. She leaned over and peered in.
"OH!" the girl screamed when she saw what was inside.
It was a blue dress!
The man put his hand on his niece's shoulder and squeezed tight.
"I keep this in here," the man said in a low voice. "In case my dear Ivy wants to wear it...to her GHOST ball!"

Ooooh the agony.

Drew is so stalking Maddie.

Ivy goes as the devil, lol.

Wth, Lindsay Frost goes as a gorilla. Um, Lindsay...?

I wish I could dance....

Lol, she almost falls on Hart. Madison, not Lindsay.

He thinks she's Hercules.

"It was one of those song where everyone is supposed to do the same motions at the same time." Like that ridiculous dance sequence in "She's All That"?

Omg! Egg took Fiona's lei! That's, like, practically having sex!!! Aimee makes a huge deal about this.

Ivy's insults don't make sense.

They walk down the "scary hallway" (awful name) and Hart keeps going, "Finnster, you back there? Finnster, you still there? Finnster, are you okay?" It's way annoying.

UGH AIMEE SHUT UP!

No duh, Aimee doesn't really care that you have Bigwheels.

Madison is afraid of dancing badly and kissing a boy. What a coincidence....

PUMPKIN CAKE!!

Madison wins a runner-up prize in the story contest, but we're never actually told what she won. Or HOW she won.

Yeah. That's it. I have a new Pony Pal, some Horseshoe Trilogy books, another Avalon, and Unicorns of Balinor. I think I'll start w/ Unicorns. Seeya.