Follow the talking wooden stick, or Unicorns of Balinor #6: Secrets of the Scepter

I still don't get the loving descriptions of Atalanta: twilight violet, with a beautiful silver mane and tail... Dude, she's purple.



Plot: Life in Balinor would be so boring if it weren't for all the exciting quests! Ari must uncover three golden rings and acquire a note from Dr. Bohnes stating she is the true princess to unlock the Deep Magic.
There's nothing to say, really. The Shifter is kept at bay, so there's no drama or danger. Lori finds some abandoned baby unicorns and takes care of them until they find their mother. Ari keeps warring factions of centaurs from killing each other. In the end, she gains the three rings AND Dr. Bohnes' note. Staples: that was easy.

More notes:
Yep, this one starts with "Atalanta", too. We're 6 for 6.

Atalanta doesn't even care about getting Lori home. "We will be able to help Lori in time, Arianna."

I just noticed Ari has the same name as a certain Eraser friend of ours.

They want to organize a Resistance? How Star Wars-y of them.

Ha, more humor. XP
Finn: Lori, you could ride Rednal for a bit, if you like. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Rednal: *starts bucking*
Finn: Hey, boy! What's up?
Rednal: Must have been a black fly.
I cannot breathe for laughing. And if a unicorn was trying to buck you off, I highly doubt you would laugh and ask, "Hey, boy! What's up?"

Ugh. Lori rides like a sack of potatoes; therefore, she is a horrible person. Arianna rides like a queen; therefore she is wise, beautiful, and kind.

HA! The sign to the Unicorn Inn reads:
Fine Food and Drink. Samlett.
Oh, look, honey, they have fine food, drink, AND Samlett!
That cracked me up for rather inappropriate reasons.

"Yes! He's so short that during council he refuses to sit down. He stands on the chair. And he's got a high, squeaky voice like a chicken!"
So do I, and I'm 5'9".

Ari's being introduced to the last remaining Lords of whatever. Uh oh, that Rexel is thin and gaunt and never gives his nights a day off. Must be a treacherous jerk.

What kind of name is Lord Puckenstew????

I sort of agree with Rexel. Ari can't prove she's REALLY the Princess, and the only excuse she has is, "Um, I lost my memory and only got it back recently...." Riiight.

Rexel is the poor man's Snape.

The Shifter might be evil, but he's no match for THE SHADOW RIDER, who is basically the poor man's Sauron.

Oh no, the Shifter is scared of the Shadow Rider! Wait, if Mr. Shadow is so evil, and the Shifter's such a wimp that can be easily defeated with the Royal Scepter + Indigo Star, why are we warring against the Shifter??? Sauron's on the loose!

So Ari's going on another quest, and Finn asks to go with, but she's like, "No, Finn, you need to organize the Rebellion and what not." That's basically an order, so Finn accepts it, and Ari's all, "WHY DIDN'T HE INSIST TO COME?? HE MUST NOT LIKE ME!" No, you just think WAY too highly of yourself.

Ha. Lori's going.

I CANNOT stand Ari.

Ha ha ha. They get a Worker unicorn named STALWART for Lori!! HA HA HA! I hate the subtle attempts at humor.

Ari is so jealous of Lori and Finn. I would laugh so hard if Finn and Lori ended up together. But they don't. I've read the series before. Which is sad. :( They could have been Linn! Or Fori. Or Firi. Whatever.

SOOOO lame. They feel the need to tell us the story of Heartbreak Harbor: a young man named Artman came to the Harbor to meet his beautiful fiancee, but she ran off with a ship's captain.

Lori: It's funny, I never liked camping out. No bathrooms or mirrors. No television or CD players. No pizza places. But I don't know. We've camped out so much in this weird world of yours, I think I'm starting to get used to it.
Yeah. That's why I never go camping. The lack of pizza places kills me.

And they stumble upon...UNICORN BABIES! One is red and the other "flaxen" (I never knew what that meant when I was little, but it's goldeny, I guess).

Lori's apparently really good with babies.

Ari: I wonder where the babies' mother is.
Chase: Let's ask the Royal Scepter.
Ari: Good idea. Oh Royal Scepter? Where is the babies' mother?
Scepter: Gone.
Thanks, Royal Scepter. You've been so helpful.

There's a FOURTH class of unicorns: THE WILD ONES. They're wild, obviously, and brutal and savage. God forbid any unicorn that escapes the vicious caste system of Balinor should be civilized.

Ari can't decide: leave the baby unicorns in the forest to starve or take them with?
TAKE THEM WITH! TAKE THEM WITH! So much for being wise.

Ari is supposed to find Dr. Bohnes and three gold rings. Why she's running around in the forest, I don't know.

THE RAINBOW SONG!! Lol, I love the rainbow song. I swear, they changed the lyrics!

A bunch of yelling unicorns? How positively frightening!

Atalanta doesn't want a war, bla bla bla. Well, what else are you going to do? You refuse to take out the Shifter with magic, though you've had endless oppurtunities, and all you've been doing lately is sitting in the Valley discussing the current situation. Don't you think you ought to do something?

Lori names the babies Albright and Jenny. What stupid names.

Ari thinks they are "fine names". Because she's a princess like that.

Oh dear, the centaurs are fighting.

Ari sees the centaurs and goes on to describe how they were men, but also horses! In case you didn't know what a centaur was. As if.

The centaurs get all mad and Ari's like, "You can't hurt me! I have a talking wooden stick!"

Oh no, the centaurs are fighting because some are traditionalists and others are more modern. Why not split up and become TWO seperate cultures???

Ha ha. Oh, Lincoln. You tickle my funny bone.

Hmm, so the Shifter is a misogynist as well as a megalomaniac.

Modern centaurs win, basically. But Ari insists that EVERYBODY wins.

So they give her one of the golden rings.

All the centaurs' names end in I.

If they can't find the mother unicorn, they're going to leave the babies in the forest. By themselves. And let them get eaten by wolves. Nice.

Lori could always stay with them, but Ari is her ticket out of Balinor, soooo....

Chase says it's the right thing to do because the kingdom is at stake.

Hee. Unicorn mommy's cry of angst is "Eeeeeeeraaaaaaaah, eeeeerraaaaaaah."

They meet the mother. Her name is Orion, which is SOOO a boy's name.

She abandoned her babies because their dad is a traitor. That sucks.

She takes the babies back. And gives Ari another ring.

Wild unicorns are basically ginormous shire-y types.

Yes, there will be a war, Atalanta. Suck it up.

After a long day of questing, there's nothing like a good manicure to make you feel like new.

Ha ha ha! Let's laugh at Lori some more.

Ha. They meet Minge and he totally forgot Chase's name. So much for Lord of the Unicorns, or whatever.

Something's wrong with Bohnesy??

Ari has a problem with a lot of people. Either they're falling at her feet and worshiping her, or she considers them "rude".

And Bohnes gives her the third ring. Ari complains way too much; she's got it easy.

So Bohnes is sick; the third test is for Ari to be "strong" enough to leave Bohnes and let her die. Hmm.

But Bohnes was just faking being sick. Boooo.

Thank God that's over. Avalon tomorrow; it's a good one XP.

Is the storyline really about Nazis, or Unicorns of Balinor #5: Search for the Star

I really wish Miley Cyrus wouldn't dance. But that's not the point. Okay. I've read each Unicorns of Balinor book multiple times, but this one only once. Because I didn't know how to place holds. You probably didn't care to know that, though.



Plot: The dragon Naytin guards this thing called the Indigo Star. It is, as you may have guessed, an indigo star, but it's a MAGIC star. Shifter knows Naytin wakes up every 1000 years, and it just so happens he's about to wake up, so Shifter pops over and steals the Star. Why? Um...it's pretty, shiny, and magical. Why NOT??
He uses the Star to steal the Celestial Unicorns' color. Now Atalanta is a lovely bleach white. HAHAHAHA. This is pretty bad, though, because without color, they have no magic. I thought your magic came from your jewel and horn. Guess not.
Naytin is pretty mad, so he attacks Balinor to blow off some steam. This scares the crap out of the people of Balinor.
Ari, being Ari, feels the need to go save it, because she has to be the hero. She, Finn, Lori, Lincoln, and Chase go with a bunch of Dragon Slayers to some place. She tells the Dragon Slayers who she really is, goes to the Shifter's Palace alone, and steals the Star from Shifter and gives it back to Naytin. Pretty simple, really.
Oh, and there was this whole thing where people sort of want to tell everyone Ari is Princess of Balinor, or whatever, but they decide not to in case of war? Pretty stupid.

More notes:
So far, every book has started with "Atalanta". How annoying is that?

Lol. They have a chapter from the Shifter's point of view and he's all, "Yeah, so I stole the Scepter, but the Princess stole it from me!!!"

Dragons don't have treasure, so a lot of people who search for dragon's caves are wasting their time. Entia thinks this is hilarious.

Okay, if the Shifter can shapeshift into anything, ANYTHING, why hasn't he killed Ari already?? He could turn into a Celestial unicorn, infiltrate Celestial Valley, kill them all, then pretend to be Ari and lure her off a cliff or something. Really, he's not very imaginative. "I shall turn into...a BLACK unicorn. That will inspire fear into the hearts of my slaves!"

Oh, but now that he has a powerful magic object, he's going to do something bad to Atalanta. What?

HE SAYS ATALANTA IS PURPLE, TOO!!!

Ugh, what is with boys? "Atalanta! SEE WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU!!" Enough with the yelling!

The blue band starts fading. I think I would like a blue unicorn. There is one on the cover, but he doesn't look very faded.

Blue begins the rainbow? Really? That's not what Roy G. Biv said.

Oh gee, if you combine the Royal Scepter with the Indigo Star, you will get the most powerful magic in the world. Hm, ARI has the Royal Scepter. How convenient.

Finn is scared of Ari now that he knows she's a princess. That's not very Anakin of you, Finn.

Lori wants Finn's body.

Lori: I will never, ever, EVER go on that ship again!
Toby: Nobody asked you to come in the first place.
OWNED!

Ari stares at Finn for like 5 minutes and is all, "Lori thinks he's good-looking." Don't you? If not, WHY WERE YOU STARING?

She asks CHASE if HE thinks Finn is hot. Ari, Chase is a boy. Wait...is Chase gay??

Ha ha. Atalanta is white.

There are three types of unicorns: Workers, who are fat and don't deserve magic because they're the worker class; Royals, who are beautiful and live in the palace, but don't do anything important; and Celestials, who live in the valley and boss everyone around.

Samlett: Permission to hug you, I say, to hug you.
Ari: Permission granted.
Perv.

Lori: Without Finn's help, Ari never would have beaten the Shifter.
They try to make it seem like this is a self-centered statement, but it's true.

Ari gives Chase some oats and Finn is like, "NOOOOOOO! yOu MuSt NoT dO wOrK!!!"
Finn: Let me do that for you.
Ari: I'm the only one who takes care of Chase.
Finn: But Your Royal Highness.
Ari: *annoyed* Are you going to continue calling me "Your Royal Highness"?
Finn: Am I in the wrong way of addressing you, milday?
Ari: Yes. I want you to call me Ari.
Finn: But! Your Royal Highness...I can't!
Ari: Why?
Finn: Because I am not your equal milady.
Now Ari gives a wise speech about how we are all equal, but have different jobs to do. Not true, seeing as Workers do all the work, but are not equal to Royals or Celestials....

Ooh, the Queen was a wise woman, too. XP

Lol, Shifter changes into a wolf and tricks Naytin into thinking some kids from Balinor stole the star. Reminds me of the mistwolves.

There's a big windstorm caused by Naytin, and Ari is like, "I WON'T LEAVE YOU, CHASE!" "MILADY, YOU MUST GO!" "NO, CHASE!" "YES, MILADY!!" Finally, Samlett has to drag Ari to the cellar. Lol. They have a cellar in case of tornadoes.

Lori: Honestly, Ari. Samlett's right, you know. You can't go out there. Even I know that. I would have made a much better Princess than you. Are you sure there hasn't been some mistake? Maybe it really is me, I mean, you know, like I'm the real Princess. Has anybody looked into that?
Nice, Lori. You gotta hit 'em with a dose of reality now and then.

Everyone: *laughs at Lori*
Lori: It's not that funny. I just don't understand you people!
Finn: Don't be upset. Look how you've cheered everyone up.
Lori: Not everyone can have a positive effect on people. I takes a great deal of talent.
Finn is such a player. Right after he pacifies Lori, he winks at Ari.

Chase gets stuck in a tree, but he's fine.

The Restistance? Sounds like Star Wars to me.

Okay, if I had one of the most powerful tools of magic, I would KILL all the Celestial unicorns. Getting their colors back with Princess Ari in the house is pretty easy.

Some Dragon Slayers come to the meeting. They wear a lot of leather.

Ari: But why do you want to attack the dragon? I mean, Naytin is gone now, gone back to the Mountain, where it belongs. What is the point in killing it?
Valona: The point is that it will come again. THe dragon has left its lair because someone has stolen the Indigo Star. Therefore, the dragon is interested in only two things: eating from the lake, and destroying everything in its path until it finds the Star or until the Star is returned.
Ari: Then why not return the Indigo Star to Naytin?
This is the best idea Ari has ever had, and EVERYBODY in the room is like, "What's wrong with that girl? Is she INSANE?"

The Dragonslayers need 5 volunteers. Ari stands up, so Finn volunteers in a heat of passion, followed by a jealous Lori. Then Ari recruits her dog and unicorn. 3 teenagers, a dog, and a unicorn?? That'll work.

Finn: Let's go!
Lori: You can sometimes be very annoying.
ROFL, this is coming from Lori.

Whatever. Ari so likes Finn and is way jealous of Lori.
I think that's why I never make romance Sims. Because they're always players. Life goal: Woohoo with 8 million other people and. STDs?

The Shifter's all, "I can't use the Star with that dragon about!" Oooh, ooh, how about you use the Star to KILL the dragon???? Moron.

Huh. The Shifter likes being in human form. I find that interesting.

There's a page on how much better unicorns are than horses. Well, I would love to agree, but there aren't many unicorns in my part of the country.

Whoa, Ari freed slaves from the Valley of Fear? I don't remember that.

"Finn's words brought tears to Ari's eyes. She wanted to walk up to him and hug him tightly. But instead she mirrored the smile he had on his face. And felt her cheeks turn red."
YOU LIKE HIM!!

What is it with all the stupid "wise" proverbs? "Sometimes it is the thorn that defeats the lion. The Shifter never sleeps."

"No one will defeat the Shifter now that he has in the Indigo Star. Soon the Shifter will rule the world." Are you kidding me? He has the worst plans ever.

A servant plans on stabbing Shifter in the heart. Ari's like, "No. There are other ways to defeat him." THAT'S SO STUPID!! She could stab him in the heart and he would be DEAD! The war would be OVER!! You'd get your CASTLE BACK!!

Lame. Ari hypnotizes him and he falls asleep.

Why does the Shifter want to be human so bad??

Indigo Star + Royal Scepter = amazing power. AND SHE DOESN'T KILL THE SHIFTER! YOU IDIOT!!

HOw does one return the colors back to Celestial Valley? Ari doesn't do anything of the sort, and suddenly the blue unicorns are back to their cerulean selves.

She gives the star back to Naytin. All is well.

Lame. Hey, it snowed today, so I have extra free time. Next, Madison Finn and maybe a Pony Pals.

These quests are pretty easy when you have a super unicorn, or Unicorns of Balinor #4: By Fire, By Moonlight

This was my favorite Unicorns of Balinor book back in the day. Now, rereading it, I'm not sure why. I mean, there's nothing really wrong with it, besides Atalanta's constant moaning, but it's sort of...boring. Compared to the "action" in the other books. It takes a long time to get to the point. Hey, random news: "The Little White Horse" is actually being made into a movie!! Yeah, it'll be out in 2008! Only Dakota Blue Richards will be in it, and I'm not a big fan of her. I don't even really like that book.



Plot: This book, like all the others, opens with an entire chapter devoted to Atalanta's senseless moanings. Hmmm, it appears that by falling through the Gap into Glacier River Farm, Ari upset the magic balance. Now Shifter's side has all the power and some prophecy about completing a trial by fire and a trial by moonlight, symbolized by a red rose and a white rose, has to be fulfilled. Sounds a lot like "Happily N'ever After".
Ari is back on the farm, but doesn't want to be: what if someone see's Chase and flips out?? Lori is finally back where she belongs, but isn't happy about it. Yay, then Lady Kylie randomly comes and attacks Ari, but Lori saves her. Unfortunately, the Gap has collapsed. Bummer.... Ari consults the magic scepter and he digs up all the dirt for her. Oh. Problem solved.
She and Chase are back in the Valley of Fear with Lincoln...and Lori, who has apparently followed them. Stupid. Demon unicorns attack them, but Chase gets all testy and threatens them or something, so they get away. They get on the Dawnwalker and are safe.
Then Ari receives a notice about a unicorn steeplechase taking place in Deridia. On the bottom is a dying red rose. Change course, let's go to Deridia!!
They reach Deridia and walk the course. It is muy difficult. Ari meets a boy named Finn and his unicorn, Cinna. Finn has several Anakin-like qualities and Deridia is so much like Tatooine that it's sometimes hard to distinguish between the two stories.
Race day. Oh no!! It's Moloth the really big scary black demon unicorn and an unnamed shadow rider!!! The race is on!! Since no one else can even compete, it's between Chase and Moloth. Moloth's rider is cheating and using violence, but Finn and his newfound Celestial unicorn friend Rednal show Ari the way out, so she wins, much to the chagrin of the townspeople. They give chase, but Finn leads them all to a cave and they find themselves on a beach.
Actually, Lori and Lincoln are back in Deridia with the angry townspeople, but Dr. Bohnes dismisses this, because at least Ari is safe, and the Deep Magic will protect them.
Very nice.
While on the beach, Ari receives a notice about a midnight diving competition to take place in the ocean. At the bottom is a white rose, meaning it's part of the prophecy blaaaa....
Ari dives. Fights with Kraken. Wins. Too easy. Prophecy complete. Scales balanced. Everyone gets back on Dawnwalker, where they find Lincoln and Lori??? How??? Lori thinks Finn is hot. Ari isn't jealous. All is well. All is boring.

More notes:
Of course every book starts the same way: Atalanta, Dreamspeaker to the unicorns of the Celestial Valley herd....

I love Rednal. He was my favorite unicorn back in the day, only they describe him as deep crimson, and it seems someone named REDnal would be a more boisterous REDDISH color.

Whaaat, he's Sunchaser's brother!!

Oh, and lead stallion of the red band. Because God forbid Chase should have a NORMAL brother.

"The Scales of Magic. See? That's the Shifter's side on the left. And your side, Dreamspeaker, is on the right. They always go up and down a bit, but they're never really out of balance."
Oh yeah? What about when Shifter pwned Ari and Chase, threw them into the real world, and captured her family? If that didn't do it, then how did Ari's falling into the Gap accomplish that major shift in Shifter's favor??

Dill and Basil decide to tell everybody that Toby is a Celestial unicorn. Nice. Blow his cover.

Okay, I hate it in books when there are snake characters that alwayssssss talk like thisssssss.

Lori saves Ari's butt and Ari's not even thankful. She's just all, "The Gap is blocked! You shouldn't have pulled me out! Ow, I broke a nail!"

The scepter reminds me SOOOO much of C-3PO.

Lori is apparently afraid of her dad. Abusive???

Okay, they make a big deal about all the "quests" Ari has been on, but they've always been super easy. The quest for the scepter was the hardest one, but what was the point of blocking off the Gap if it could be unblocked just as easily?

Atalanta still thinks Toby is rude. Way to mention it like every five minutes.

The Gap sounds a LOT like The Wood Between the Worlds from "The Magician's Nephew". Plagiarism much?

Okay, last time, Ari was able to give everyone food and water without any magic spells, but now that she's "regained her memory", that thing requires magic. Whatever.

Remember when all Lori did in the past books was complain about being homesick? YOU GOT HOME!! WHY DID YOU FOLLOW THEM BACK???

Hmmm, time is different on the other side of the Gap...just like Narnia!!

Ari gets back into her "real" clothes and her "comfortable leather boots". Whoa whoa whoa. In the last book you were complaining about how worn they were getting and how Lori shouldn't have gotten new shoes and how you needed a Royal Bootmaker. Don't lie to me. I remember.

Deridia is EXACTLY like Mos Eisley...and there's a woman there named Sola!!! True, that's the name of Padme's sister, and she lived on Naboo, but HELLO! STAR WARS REFERENCES!!

Omg, Finn is just like Anakin! And Ari and Chase discuss how great he would be away from Deridia and how they have to rescue him!!

"I can't make friends, Chase. I can't even talk to a boy like Finn." Awww, Ari can't talk to boys.

Lori: Everything seems normal for a race. Just do the best you can. You're the best rider here, Ari. And you have the best mount.
Awwww, that's so sweet.

Finn had a dream last night, where he rescued all the slaves and traveled the stars. I'm surprised they haven't had that, "Are you an angel?" conversation, but I suppose that would be too blatant; Mary Stanton likes to be subtle.

I'm seriously thinking you're not allowed to use a mace during a steeplechase.

Ha. The race...it's just like podracing!

Villagers: Hey! You weren't supposed to win!
We bet on Sebulba!

I can't believe they're being all nonchalant about Lori and Lincoln's plight.

"I do believe that Rednal and Finn saved our lives." Duh. "Why do you suppose Atalanta chose him to ride Rednal?"
The force is strong with him.
Oh, and he has a higher midi-clorian count than Numinor. But we'll keep that hush-hush, on the DL.

Finn is overenthusiastic about his newfound freedom. He didn't even weep for his parents.

Don't trust the mermaids!!

The mermaids' city sounds a lot like Otoh Gunga....

Oh no, Ari has to face the Kraken! Well, you beat him pretty easily before, who says it won't be easy this time?

Oh no, the mermaids are attacking her! Like in Harry Potter!

Ari: Finn's gotten very fond of Rednal.
Toby: And Lori of Finn!
ROFL!!!! Lori likes boys???

This was actually written in 1999, when "The Phantom Menace" came out, so who knows? Harry Potter came out the year prior, though. Oh well. All the LOTR and Chronicles of Narnia references are so obviously plagiarism.
But that was one of the better ones. Lol.

More stereotypical signs of evil, or Unicorns of Balinor #3: The Valley of Fear

Mary Stanton is just as bad as Christopher Paolini. This whole book was a blatant ripoff of LOTR and Chronicles of Narnia. She should read that sandwich review.



Plot: Arianna and Co. are still questing for that scepter. Turns out it's in the Valley of Fear, a Mordor-like land full of demon unicorns, volcanic ash, and *gasp* THE SHIFTER HIMSELF!!!
Um, while questing, Chase finds out that some of the animals have turned to the Dark Side and are eating other animals. Uh...your point? Apparently, that's now how things are in Balinor. Chase freaks out.
Yeah. Um, nothing really interesting happens. Ari complains a lot about being the princess and Atalanta tells her how special and right she is to feel that way. Then Lori tells everyone she wants to go home, and they're like, "STOP COMPLAINING!!!"
So they hear this prophecy from the Old Mare of the Mountain:
Six shall find the Scepter Royal,
The quick, the smart, the brave, the loyal,
Of humans there shall be but two,
One young and one whose past is new,
Of Six who go, two wait to learn,
Three of Six shall not return
Um, yeah, way to not copy LOTR. It turns out the Six are: Arianna, Chase, Dill and Basil (two foxes), Lincoln, and Lori.
Lori is sooo not happy about that.
So they go on the quest, dressed like orcs, or soldiers of darkness, or whatever.
It's SOOOOOOOOO hard, and Arianna is noble about everything. Hate.
So they get to the castle (um, that was easy), and Lady Kylie is there (you know, the evil lady from Book #2 who tried to capture Ari and almost killed Lincoln?) with the scepter. Turns out Lori betrayed everyone or something and was in league with Lady Kylie. Oh, but it's all right, she didn't know Kylie was evil. So there's a battle, but Kylie gets pwned.
So they're trying to escape, but then Lori falls into THE PIT (some scary place where the slaves are kept), and Ari tries to follow her, but trips and falls in, too, and now they're all back at Glacier River Farm.
Confusing? Do I suck at summarizing? Both? I'm sorry if you totally didn't understand any of that.

More notes:
The first four paragraphs begin with "Atalanta".

HOW DO SILVER AND WHITE FIT INTO THE RAINBOW??

AARGH mahogany and gold are NOT THE SAME!!

Aw. Lori admits to being homesick. You can't not feel a little bit sorry for her.

I like how Lori says what I'm thinking about Ari: "I suppose you're going to tell me you can't talk because you're in sooooo much pain."

Mary Stanton needs to stop writing incomplete sentences.

Aargh. Ari doesn't want to become a cruel and selfish leader. She's sooo wise!

Lies, lies. Atalanta's all, "You could go back to Glacier River Farm, where you'd go to school and make new friends!" Weren't Anne and Frank planning to homeschool? Just saying.

Ha. They said "garrison". Long story.

All unicorns are mentally retarded.
Lori: You get more wood. What am I, your slave?
Toby: What? The great me?

Dr. Bohnes is back...and she brought a pack of wolves. They totally reminded me of mistwolves.

"Um...uh...welcome." Way to go, Ari.

Ew, the wolves are drooling over Chase.

Chase: My good wolf, who commits the hunt? And when? Tell me!
Rufus: The big cats, as well as my pack. The bears. The ferrets. The great birds.
I'm sorry, but I found that really funny. LOOK OUT, EVERYBODY, HUNGRY FERRETS ON THE LOOSE!

Lori: Well, honestly. This is stupid. It's the way things are. I mean, I'm sorry, but that's what the world's like. Big fish eat little fish. Little fish eat teeny fish.
Um, yeah. Can you honestly say that the wolves, bears, and FERRETS are surviving on bugs and grass? That's not a lot of protein. Ooh, this is the part where Chase flips out:
Chase: Not here.
Lori: But-
Chase: NOT HERE IN BALINOR!

Heh. Toby.
"We can't, adn that's final, missy. Eat your cheese. And if you're not going to eat that apple, giv eit to me."
"Get your own apple."
Lol. I'll be saying that all day. "EAT YOUR CHEESE!"

Ooh, everyone's talking about Lori.
"Ari was too far away to hear, but she could guess they were talking about: how bossy she was, how ignorant of the realities of life, how stubborn."
Yeah, that describes you to a T, Ari.

"There is something trailing us."
"Following us? What do you mean, trailing us?"
WHAT ELSE COULD HE MEAN???

How Indiana Jones of you, Chase.
"I hope it's not a snake. Anything except a-"
He gets attacked by a snake.

So the head of the Animal Council is a lion...named Vanax. Lol, rhymes with Xanax?

Why does she have to use obvious animals as "allies of the Shifter", like snakes and stuff?

Okay, Chase is like, "If you eat meat, you will pay the ultimate price! That's right: become mute forever!"
Seriously? I'd rather become mute. I thought the ULTIMATE PRICE was death or something.

I love the foxes. "Don't shove me, Dill!" "I'll shove you when I please."

Retarded. Chase is like, "No, we shall have no army. It's better that way." Well, yeah, if you WANT to lose.

Okay, come on, this is the SECOND TIME! Ari was supposed to find the Old Mare of the Mountain and the OMM finds HER!!! This is almost as bad as the ruby quest.

Okay, that prophecy? Whatever. I'll call the Tolkien estate myself. "6 companions...so be it...you shall be the Fellowship of the Scepter."

Okay, Lori is supposed to go with them to fulfill the prophecy, and Lori doesn't want to go. Ari's all, "OH no, what will I do now?" Um, how about MAKE HER GO rather than ASK her?

Atalanta: And you must be alert to danger.
Toby: What kind of danger?
"Atalanta gazed at him. The black-and-white unicorn was the rudest herdmate they had ever had."
What's rude about wanting to know what you're up against?

"'I'm not going now.' Lori folded her arms across her chest. 'I'm spending the night in a real bed. I'll think about leaving in the morning.'
Ari marched over to her. She grabbed Lori's shoulders in both hands and stared directly into her face. Ari dropped her voice to a fierce whisper. 'You. Will. Do. What. I. Say.'"
:O Dang, go Ari. I like how this is the one time she stands up to Lori with force.

OMG, Atalanta gives Ari something called THE STAR BOTTLE to be used only when there is no way out. Geee, sounds a lot like something Frodo received from Galadriel....

Ari complains about carrying all Lori's crap. I thought you liked hard work???

Lol. Dill and Basil totally reminded me of "the little foxes" from Song of Solomon.

"The chubby landlord flushed bright pink. He bit his mustache to hide his pleasure in Ari's kiss."
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???

"Then, out of the castle flew the Shifter himself - this time transformed into the shape of a black dragon. His body was thick with muscle. His long wings sprang from his shoulders, stretched out like those of a gigantic wasp. His iron hooves grew grossly large. He had not one horn on his head but two, one behind each ear, curling up above his head in a huge ram's arc."
Wait, is this a dragon or a unicorn? Cuz dragons don't have hooves.

Their disguises sound JUST LIKE the orc uniforms Sam and Frodo wore in "Return of the King".

Okay, two twelve-year-old girls and a unicorn could pass as dark soldiers, but a dog and two foxes? You'd have to be REALLY stupid not to see through that.

The foxes threaten to leave Lori, but Ari's all, "We're all in this together." Right...just like "High School Musical".

Ari has Anakin-Syndrome: the desire to save everyone.

Ha. Ari gets Chase to eat soap and convince the other soldiers that they have rabies. Pretty smart.

Laaaaaaame. Mary Stanton basically copied the snake-shifting out of "The Silver Chair".

AAAAAAAAAARGH! Arianna whips out the Star Bottle when Lady Kylie attacks Lori and it shines a very bright light into her eyes. OMG!!! SAM! SHELOB!!! YOU PLAGIARIST!!!

Oh, now that Arianna has the scepter, her past becomes completely clear.

And now they're back across the Gap. Um, cool? Ari seems WAAAY too happy about this. Whatever.

Coming right up, we have a Madison Finn!!! #7, tho, seeing as I'll probably NEVER have #6.