Evil in the form of Halley's Comet, or Unicorns of Balinor #8: Shadows over Balinor

I'm SOOO glad to be done with this series. I don't understand how they can give this description for the last book, though:
Princess Arianna inquires about the past and learns the truth about the fall of the great unicorns from the Celestial Valley. She uncovers the truth about shifting magic and how that power has led the fallen unicorns into the shadows--to become the evil Shadow Unicorns.
The book never talks exclusively about Celestial Valley and the missing Shadow Unicorns are mentioned ONCE. Mostly this book is rather confusing and has sort of a lame ending.



Plot: Right, so Shifter is dead, all the Royal Unicorns have returned, and the war is over. What else is there to worry about? Well, there's the Kraken, though he appeared dead in the last book. No, the Kraken is back with a vengeance, and if Arianna doesn't stop a giant comet from landing and transferring its powers to him, Balinor is doomed!
???
First, our cast of regular characters is joined by an annoying named Odie ("Fightin's my game!"), who brings Ari a map to Shadowview (formerly Demonview). The princess must travel there to find the Royal Archivist (they don't say why).
They go. Pointless things happen, mainly for filler, I'm sure.
Then they find the Archivist, and it turns out LINCOLN IS THE LINK!!!
The Link?
They never fully explain what that is, but it's something important.
They defeat the Kraken and destroy the asteroid/comet/thing.
Lincoln chooses to remain with Ari, so now they have to find a new Link.
Ari still hasn't found her parents or brothers, and it seems no one has any intention of ever taking Lori back across the Gap.
It was way too confusing. Hopefully I'll have some nonmagic Madison Finns by tomorrow. Unfortunately, I have to skip #11 and #12 for now. Oh well.

Racism runs rampant even among ponies, or Pony Pals #35: Magic Pony

I still love Pony Pals. 92 pages of bad writing and petty conflicts make my day. This particular book handles touchy topics like divorce, homosexuality, and racism in an ignorant and friendly manner.



Plot: There's a play in Wiggins! 10-12 year old boys and girls can try out for the parts of Joseph and Princess Kalandra in "The Magic Pony", a magical tale of friendship and healing. Also, because of the play's title, ponies can try out as well!
Anna wants Acorn to try out, but doesn't want to try out herself. The Pony Pals convince her otherwise. Surprisingly, Anna gets the part of Kalandra...but Acorn doesn't get a part at all! And Snow White didn't even try out, but the director requested her for the part...BECAUSE SHE'S WHITE!!!! White ponies are much more magical than bay ones, obviously.
Rema Baxter (who I thought was at boarding school) tried out as well, but is now Anna's understudy. The former-brat is being uncharacteristically nice to Anna and even invites the Pony Pals over for a sleepover!
However, all these distractions and disappointments are keeping Anna from memorizing her lines. Anna finally gives up and admits to her friends that Rema should be Kalandra instead. After harsh rebukes, Pam and Lulu tell Anna to keep trying and even help her memorize her lines. The other Pals also think Acorn should have the part of the Magic Pony instead of Snow White, who can't act at all.
They go to the director with this idea and he reluctantly agrees.
The Pony Pals band together and rebuke the devil, er, Rema, who quits the play.
But it doesn't matter. The play is a success. Now Anna has a new career in mind: acting. Oh dear. Hope you like starving to death.

More notes:
This one's not hardcover.

Only 10 to 12 year old boys and girls are allowed to try out. How agist.

Pam shows up with the poster and is like, "Let's ride to the brook and talk about it." Why can't you talk about it there??

Lulu, Lulu, Lulu. "I wonder what the Magic Pony is about." Well, it couldn't possibly be about a magic pony...

Anna doesn't want to try out; she's better at improvising than acting OTHER people's words.

Lame. Pam writes a scene for Anna to practice on to prove she can act. It's about a girl and her mother. Lulu gets to play the mother. Hysterical.

Ah, this scene sucks.
Girl: You told me I could have a pony when I was ten years old.
Mother: That's not what I said.
[OMG! This is like my life! Oggy was so old, and for years my mom kept saying, "Once we buy a house, we can buy a big dog." Then I repeated that back to her, and she's like, "I NEVER said that." Liar.]
Girl: You did, Mom. Honest. I have been waiting two whole years for a pony.
[Like when I waited 3 whole years to get a dog and they said they'd THINK ABOUT IT.]
Mother: I said we would think about getting you a pony when you were ten. I though about it. I have decided you cannot have a pony.
[OMG!!! PAM WROTE A STORY ABOUT MY LIFE!! PLAGIARISM! Dang, this mom's a drag.]
Girl: We have a big yard. I'll take care of my pony. You won't have to do anything. Please, Mom. I love ponies so much.
[You go, girl.]
Mother: Don't argue with me.
Girl: But you said-
Mother: (shouting) The answer is final! No pony.
[B****]
Girl: (crying softly) But you promised.

THE END
How depressing. I almost started crying. Anna DOES start crying.

I like how Anna's the only character that seems like a real person. She has poor parents AND dyslexia, but Pam is the best student in their class and Lulu has a perfect memory. I noticed the book didn't mention them being passive-agressive, controlling hos, but hey.

REMA BAXTER IS BACK!!! I though she was at boarding school, but I guess boarding schools let you take a break to try out in local plays.

Hahaha. This play is hilarious.
"Magic Pony takes place a long time ago in a faraway land. [Like Star Wars.] The main character is Princess Kalandra. The lovely Kalandra has a serious illness that will kill her. [Like in The Two Princesses of Bamarre.] Since early childhood, Kalandra has heard stories about a magical pony in the woods near the castle."
The Magic Pony has lived for hundreds of years and can heal terrible illnesses. How convenient.
"Kalandra dressed like an ordinary person and goes into the woods. She climbs into a tree house. From there she looks for the Magic Pony. [Yeah, that'll work. "Hm, I can't see the pony from the tree house. Must not be here."] Kalandra doesn't see the pony, but she does spot a young woodsman. This is Joseph, and Kalandra is in his tree house. Joseph and Kalandra meet and become friends. Kalandra doesn't tell Joseph that she is sick or that she is the princess. [Like "A Walk to Remember".] But she does tell him that she is searching for the pony. Joseph offers to help Kalandra find the Magic Pony."
Bla bla bla. There's more about the evil uncle Damien, who wants to drink the Magic Pony's blood. That's pretty graphic for a children's book.

William the director looks Irish. Pam is wearing really high-waisted pants WITH HER SHIRT TUCKED IN.

MIKE LACEY TRIES OUT FOR THE PLAY!!!! Wait, I thought he was in 8th grade. Doesn't that make him older than 12? And Rema was 14 in book #4. What happened there? Does she look 11?

Whoa. The director is also SIZEIST!!
Tongo is too small (oh, and he's also badly behaved).
Lightning is too big (oh, and she bites).

Of course Snow White is perfect. Because she's WHITE. He barely even looks at Acorn.

Rema straightened her hair. The look doesn't exactly work for her.

Dang, I hate Snow White.
Lol, on the cast poster they put, "THERE IS NO UNDERSTUDY FOR JOSEPH." Yes, we can see that. How unprofessional.

:O RACIST!!
Lulu: I think Acorn is a better actor.
William: Maybe you're right. But Snow White looks the part. We'll put some silver sparkles on that beautiful white coat. She'll glow in the dark woods behind the library. It will all be very magical.

Wow. This play is worse than "Eragon". "We will sell that pony's blood for gold, Joseph!"

Suddenly there's a Queen in this story?? So confused.

Anna: Rema is being nice to me. Really friendly.
Lulu: Don't trust her, Anna. She can be a real phony.
Anna: Sometimes people change.
Baby, seasons change, but people don't...and I'll always be waiting in the back room. ;)

Heh, there's a picture of Rema with her arm around Anna and Anna's all, "Get away."
I love Anna. She's boring, but overcompensates with headlines and flash, flash, flash photography. SORRY.
Rema is such a liar.

And William is such a perfectionist.
Anna: Magic Pony, where did you go?
William: Anna, the lines is, "Magic Pony, where are you?"

Rema tells Anna that if she reads her script a couple times, she'll remember all her lines. Liar.

And she invites the Pony Pals over for a sleepover??? "It'll be a lot of fun. We can play with your ponies, watch videos, and have pizza."

I bet a million bucks she'll poison the pizza. Or lure Anna into the back room and strangle her with a bridle.

If the Pony Pals really don't want to do something, they should not do it. But Pam and Lulu go to Rema's anyway.

Rema: Can I ride her bareback? I used to love to do that.
WAIT! In the play, Kalandra is supposed to ride the Magic Pony BAREBACK! SHE'S TRYING TO STEAL YOUR PART, ANNA!

Rema rents a video about Connemara ponies. In Ireland. (Duh, of course they're in Ireland; Connemaras are IRISH.) Okay, I like ponies, but these girls have to be interested in something else. Pony movies can be very boring. Especially "Black Beauty".

They make pizza themselves. Wow, is Wiggins to small for a Pizza Hut?

This girl is such a liar! Why do they believe her?
Rema: Next, let's play cards. You can choose the game.
Anna: Do you know how to play Hearts? That's my favorite card game.
Rema: Hearts is my favorite card game, too! Whenever I play it, I remember Lightning's upside-down heart.
Liar. Way to suck-up to Anna's friends. And who plays cards at a sleepover? Usually girls watch movies, listen to music, give each other makeovers (Thank God, I've only experienced this once), and gossip about other people.

Oh dear, Rema keeps them up past midnight!! THE HORROR! (Midnight? Please. Try 6 AM.)

Lulu: She invited us because she wanted to ride Snow White. If you get sick and can't be in the play, Rema would have your part. She'd be Kalandra and have to ride Snow White bareback.
Anna: But the videos and pizza and ice cream.
Uh oh. Anna is easily swayed by food...as am I.

Oh my goodness! Near the end of "Magic Pony" (the play), Damien beats Joseph!!! CHILD ABUSE!! This play's subject matter is a little disturbing. Little kids should not be reading this.

REMA HAS ALL KALANDRA'S LINES MEMORIZED!!! You're so blind, Anna.

Ew, Mike looks like a four-year-old boy.

Dang, this is community theater. Someone needs to tell William to lighten up.

Snow White was supposed to go to Anna when she gave the signal...but she goes to Rema instead. SOMETHING IS UP HERE!!!

Anna goes on a ride to blow off some steam.
*as she rides away*
Pam: Anna, stop!
Lulu: We should talk about what's bothering you!
What are you, psychiatrists? Some people need to be alone.

Lulu: We have a Pony Pal problem and we need three ideas.
Anna: Do you think that I'm a Pony Pal Problem?
Lol. Good answer.

Anna draws a hideous drawing of Rema, though it is quite lifelike.

Anna thinks she's dumb because she's dyslexic. :(

Hm, what a smashing idea, Pam. "Lulu and I should help Anna learn her lines."
Why couldn't you have done that in the first place?

Lulu: Snow White only got the part because she's white. She doesn't know any tricks or how to act.
LOL!! It's like they're not really talking about a pony. It's so true, though. Snow White doesn't have any useful talents.

Anna: I'll try your ideas, but if they don't work, I'm dropping out.
Of the play...or school?

"Magic Pony, I am very sick and will die son. I am too young to die. Will you save my life?"
That was beautiful. :P

TOMMY RAND RUNS ANNA OVER WITH HIS BIKE!! What's wrong with you, boy??? And he looks just like Mike? Thanks, Paul Bachem, you could make at least SOME distinction between the two.

Uh oh. Mike doesn't want Tommy to know he likes theater.
OMG!! MIKE LIKES THEATER!! I know that's a stereotype, but doesn't that prove he's gay?

Rema calls the play a kid's play once the Pony Pals uncover her deception. Ha.

They wonder who will play Joseph if Mike drops out. Um, why don't you have a GIRL play Joseph? Peter Pan was always a girl.

Oh dear. Mike needs to be more responsible and give his sister lunch. Otherwise she might STARVE.
Okay, come on. She's 6 YEARS OLD. I know 3 year olds that are capable of making sandwiches.

Ew, Acorn eats Rosalie's sandwich. That's DISGUSTING. Horses eat DIRT.

William doesn't even cal Snow White by her name. He just calls her "the white pony". I bet he calls Acorn "the black-and-brown pony". That's it, I'm calling the NAACP.

Tommy direspects William and William calls him a tough guy. This guy obviously does not have kids.

Mike wants to quit, but Rosalie tells him he can't...because his Dad is coming to see it.
:O Really? That would be so awful if she was making that up. But it's a Pony Pals book, so of course she isn't.

OMG!!! "Mike's father left his wife and kids to move to Chicago with a girlfriend."
What?? I thought they got divorced. He didn't do any leaving. How awful!!!

LOL.
Tommy: I'm not going to watch you in some kid's show.
Lulu: It's not just a kid's show, Tommy. It's family entertainment.

LOL. William gives Tommy a unicycle and convinces him to spread news about the play. Wow. I'd love to see that.

That's pretty much it.

I don't have any other books. Well, I have the last Balinor (XP) and two Avalons (XP) but I haven't read any of them. Tomorrow's my last day at home, anyway, and then I have to go back to school, so I'm going to rest up. I love four-day-weekends.

It's the circle of life, or Pony Pals #34: The Pony and the Lost Swan

Pony Pals, Pony Pals, oh how I missed you. It's been nothing but unicorns, magic, and teenagers for a long time. I've been missing you guys, as well as Maddie Finn.



Plot: Lulu and Snow White are riding with their friends by Lake Appamapog when they find swan feathers. Lulu is obsessed with swans, so they look around to see if they can find any, and lo and behold, there they are, out on the lake! The Pony Pals name the swan and her three cygnets stupid things and admire the beautiful scene for a million years.
Then Mr. Kline comes by in his truck and tells them about the swan's mate, which was shot with a bow and arrow last week. He also instructs them to warn people not to leave their fishing line lying around, as it could kill the swans.
The Pony Pals go out and bother Tommy, because he likes to fish.
The next day, the Pony Pals go to visit the swans again...and find Friendly and Bottom Up, two of the cygnets, all by themselves!! Where are White Feathers and Slowpoke? White Feathers would never leave her babies by themselves!
They put the two babies in a box and take them to the animal shelter.
Later, they find White Feathers tangled up in fishing line. Curse you, Tommy Rand. They send her to the animal ER, too.
White Feathers is reunited with her babies and slowly recovers, but they still can't find Slowpoke! Hm, maybe she died. But the Pony Pals are convinced the cygnet is still alive.
She is. Back to her mother she goes.
After White Feathers recovers, they take the swans back to the lake and put up a sign warning people not to leave their fishing line lying around. Everyone gathers to watch the swans frolic in the water. Joyous days.

More notes:
The copy the library gave me was a hardcover. Seriously, a hardcover Pony Pals! Ghettofabulous.

I hate that bad behavior is written off as "curiosity".

How descriptive Pam. "Swans are really beautiful and big."

"The babies are adorable, but they're brown, not white." Kind of like 101 Dalmations. "WHERE ARE THE SPOTS?"

Uh oh, these swans don't have a father. Irresponsible swan fathers, never pay child support.

Lulu: *looking at the mother swan* White Feathers. She's White Feathers.
Pam: How do you know her name?
Lulu: It just popped into my head.
Anna: It's a perfect name for her.
Hm, maybe because she has WHITE FEATHERS.

Ugh. Lulu sang to some swans in England and they started dancing. Like a ballet. Ha. Swan Lake. Okaaay, enough of that.

They sing, "Make New Friends, but Keep the Old." THAT'S A GIRL SCOUTS SONG!

They name the babies Friendly, Slowpoke, and Bottom Up (because she resembles a shot glass).

ROFL. I love how blunt Mr. Kline is.
Anna: I wonder where he is now.
Mr. Kline: The male was killed last week.
Pam: That's so awful.
Lulu: How was he killed?
Mr. Kline: He was shot with a bow and arrow. His mate was very upset.
They should try to solve the mystery of this swan's murder. Like on "Monk".

OMG!!!
Mr. Kline: There were four cygnets the last time I was here. I guess one of them didn't make it.
Lulu: Was the cygnet shot with a bow and arrow, too?
Mr. Kline: I don't think so. I bet a snapping turtle got it. They go after cygnets and goslings. Or a hawk could have swooped down and taken it.
I love how he's casually chatting about death with 10-year-old girls!! This is hilarious!

Tommy: Let's go, Mike.
Mike: Sure. We're out of here, buddy.
Buddy? They're so gay together. Or at least Mike likes Tommy, like Dumbledore liked Gellert.

Ooh, the Pony Pals get in a fight with those rowdy boys.
Tommy: The BORING Pony Pests!
Anna: The DUMB, RUDE Bike Buddies!
Oh dear, this is getting heated.

They eat grilled-cheese-and-TOMATO sandwiches. This is an improvement. At least they're getting their vegetables.

Snow White gets caught in some fishing line. Heh.

How random. Friendly and Bottom Up pop out of nowhere.

Lulu is the best detective. Acorn is the best pony detective. They should work together.
That's seriously how sentences go in this book.

Dang, White Feathers has fish hooks stuck in her body. Ouch.

Pam isn't the best problem solver. "If we cut the fishing line, she could swim away with the hooks. If we take out the hooks, she could bleed."
How about you take her to the ANIMAL HOSPITAL.

I find it hard to believe that Ms. Raskins is the only one working at the shelter right now. Take a break and save the swan. "No, I'm busy, you irresponsible 10-year-olds need to bring it to me yourselves."

They enlist the help of Mr. Kline.

Whatever. This swan would be attacking them. Swans are MEAN. But White Feathers sits calmly while they remove pieces of metal from her flesh.

Whoa, since when is Mr. Kline a fireman? He owns a hardware store!

"We don't want to frighten her by bringing her indoors. There's a hawk in the examining room."
HA. That could end badly.

In the picture, there are THREE babies, but in the story, one is still missing. Way to go, Paul Bachem.

Ms. Raskins is lame. She complains about being overworked and understaffed a lot. How many animals could there be in Wiggins, Population 24?

The Pony Pals have to take care of White Feathers themselves. Laaame.

White Feathers almost chokes to death on some food because of some fishing line. And she lets Lulu cut it off her. THIS IS NOT TYPICAL SWAN BEHAVIOR.

Lulu has such a connection with animals. Not so much with people.
Actually, that's true of me, too.

First there were four swan babies. Then there were three.
ROFL.

Anna thinks Slowpoke is lost forever. Lulu reprimands her friend for being such a pessimist.
Actually, Lulu, it's called realism.

"The Pony Pests are everywhere. Call the exterminator!"
Ha. Ha. Ha.

Oh dear, Tommy starts mimicking Anna. What a jerk. Wait, these boys are how old??

Uh oh. Mike agrees to be more careful with his fishing line, but Tommy refuses. Come on, Mike, convince your boyfriend to obey.

EW, Mike looks exactly like this kid I used to HATE in 6th grade.

They find Slowpoke. She was pretending to be a bump on a log. No lies.

The Pony Pals do these late night watch things quite often and never seem to get tired.

Lulu thinks of their adventure with White Feathers as a horror movie with some happy parts. Hopefully it will have a happy ending. Darn. I was looking for a gory ending.

LAME. They decide to make a sign about the swans, and assume that Mr. Kline will donate the supplies they need because they cost a lot of money and it's for a good cause. The Pony Pals, I've noticed, aren't exactly smart about money.

Anna: Where's your bad-boy buddy?
Mike: Stop saying Tommy's bad. You just don't know him like I do. He's a great guy.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP! MIKE IS GAY FOR TOMMY!

They suspect Tommy of killing the male swan!! :O

It wasn't him. But the Pony Pals want to assume it was. Because they're prejudiced.

Everyone surrounds the swans and sings "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" to them. LOL. Then the book ends with the typical thanking of the ponies. "Thank you. Thank you for saving the swans." How redundant.

That one wasn't as good as "The Magic Pony", where Mike is even gayer for Tommy, Rema straightens her hair, and Anna decides to be an actress. What drama. Oh, and we learn the real reason behind Mr. and Mrs. Lacey's divorce!!

Fairies are just beautiful hippies, or Avalon: Quest for Magic #2: All's Fairy in Love & War

I love how I have no time to post now. I get home after basketball and don't really care about going on the computer as much as I do finishing my homework and watching "American Idol".



Plot:
Kara, who won't settle for being ordinary, has scored the lead in the school play, "A Midsummer Night's Dream". (Lead being Queen Tatiana) However, she is just semi-stressed out, as her fellow mages are depending on her, there are rehearsals every day, and for some reason, she can't get her jewel to work!
Then, one particularly harrowing day, a bunch of fairies pop up in Kara's closet and send her and Lyra to the Fairy Realms!!
Once there, Kara meets the Forest Prince, a Zorro-wannabe. He tells her that the Five Kingdoms are about to meet and need her help.
She goes to the Fairy Ring where the leaders of the Five Kingdoms are. They ask for proof that she is a mage...but Kara loses control of her magic and turns Lyra into quicksilver! The cat beings to melt and if they can't turn her back into a real cat soon, she'll be gone FOREVER.
Sounds ominous.
Kara seeks the help of Tangoo, the Goblin Sorceror, who is so obviously evil, but no one seems to notice.
Back in the real world, a series of "hilarious" situations of mistaken identity and the like take place as Emily and Adriane try to make everything seem normal. Ha. Ha. Ha.
How can Kara help the Kingdoms? First, she has to bond with an Elemental Stallion made of PURE FIRE.
She fails, of course.
Next, she attends a fairy masquerade ball. With the help of some magical talking accessories (pleeease don't inquire further), Kara becomes the belle of the ball! She also meets up with the Forest Prince again and finds out...
HE'S REALLY THE GOBLIN PRINCE LORREN!!!
He's a nice guy, though, who just cares about the environment. Also, Kara finds him rather attractive.
Oh, ha ha ha, those silly mages are ruining the play! I cannot breathe for laughing.
Kara attempts to bond with the Firemental horse again, for her is detrimental to her "quest", but no dice.
She learns from Tangoo that the Firemental will dissolve back into the air if she doesn't find the Blue Rose and give it to him, supplying him with enough magic to complete their quest.
She hasn't even bonded with him yet, but whatever.
She and Lorren go to the Spider Witch's old lair and have to choose between two roses: one is the real thing, the other is an imposter. One smells horrible, like sulfur, and the other all beautiful and lilac-y. How Indiana Jones.
They, unlike the rare art collector in "The Last Crusade" choose the right one (the stinky one)...and are attacked by a horde of spiders!!! Kara ditches Lorren, as she suspects he wants the rose for himself! How selfish!
She gives the rose to the Firemental horse, dubs him Starfire, and creates an unbreakable bond between the two of them.
They go on their quest: find four magical talismans, one for each element, and bring them back to summon the power crystal, which contains Avalon's magic and will save the Fairy Realms.
Wow. Good luck.
She finds the talismans and brings them back. But Tangoo destroys Starfire and attempts to capture the crystal! To get rid of Kara, he sends her back to school to finish up the school play.
Hahahaha. Calamity. Chaos. Love spells!! Tears of mirth fill my eyes. -_-
Starfire comes back!!! w00t! Because he obtained ANOTHER crystal, which is just as good as the Blue Rose, apparently.
Long story short: they go back. Defeat Tangoo. Starfire is gone, but he will always be with Kara. The play was a success. The five kingdoms are united. Lyra is saved. Lorren and Kara are going steady.
How I miss the uncomplicated Pony Pals and their short, mundane plots.

More notes:
How typical. Kara lands the lead in the school play AND gets a cool, pink costume?

Heh. The other fairies in the play are green, but not Tatiana.

Ah, I'd be frustrated, too.
Emily and Adriane: Aaargh, Karaaaaa, I know you're busy and you have a life, but we're lazy and don't want to do anything without yooooooo.

Kara can't control her magic and is pretty dang depressed. Poor Kara.

And then two magic trackers pop up in her closet. Oookay.

And the porta-portal sucks Kara and Lyra into it.

Aaargh, and they land in a forest where they're attacked by magic trees! What is this, "The Wizard of Oz"?

The Forest Prince rescues them, yelling, "AieOOO!" How intimidating?

LOL, he sounds like Carter dressed as Zorro from "A Cinderella Story".

But if it wasn't a portal that brought Kara here, what was it? Oh, a mirror. OF COURSE.

HAHAHA, Kara calls him Forest Gump. Sorry, it's early in the morning.

Aargh. She tells him to call her Snow White and he takes her seriously. :P

Whoa, random. The d-flies are all, "Back off, bub!" This is the first time they've said anything that actually makes sense.

Whoa, Goblins and Trolls are included in the five kingdoms? I don't care if it's racist, they shouldn't count.

Hm, is this guy evil or what: long green hair tied back, gaunt face, goatee, a hawkish nose, deep black eyes.
Sounds like a goblin-version of Snape.

Of course the Fairy Queen looks like Madonna, but the Troll King is hideous.

Tangoo? What kind of name is that?

Selinda is sexy name; therefore, a sexy queen.

But the Goblin Queen is ugly, therefore her name is Raelda. Not biased.

Apparently the Forest Prince is a bad boy and Kara should not concern herself with him.

Uh oh, they want Kara to show them some magic to prove she's the blazing star. Everybody duck!

She loses control and turns Lyra into a statue!

Oh dear, the only way to cure Lyra is to find the power crystal. Which is what the Five Kingdoms wanted in the first place.

Kara rode a unicorn, so of course she can ride a cute fairy pony!

Did I mention that pony is made out of fire?

DREAMER STARTS SPEAKING IN COMPLETE SENTENCES!!!

ROFL!
Adriane: Joey? I just left him backstage.
Emily: Oh, so that's why you were hanging out in the auditorium.
Adriane: Not! Joey asked me to help him, that's all.
Way to cheat on Zack, Adriane.

Kyle, Kara's brother, is a moron. They talk about magic in front of him and he thinks they're discussing Shakespeare.

And his Shakespearean insults suck. "Hark, what reeky, clay-brained, dewberry arrives?"

Nice cover.
Emily: Kara's sick. You REALLY don't want to go up there.
Heather: She is?
Adriane: She is? Oh, totally.
Emily: She's got a stomach ache.
Adriane: Really bad pimple. On her stomach.

Ha.
Heather: Geez, you guys are weirder than normal.

OMG, they hide a mookrat in Kara's bed and her friends ACTUALLY believe it's her. Wow.

Kyle decides to take the hobgoblin to school...because he thinks it's Joey. How stupid can you get?

No pretty Earth or Water Elemental horses for YOU, Kara. You get a feisty fire stallion.

Veiled sexual imagery?
Joey: Whatsup? Good call on the bulbs - the ones I was using were way too low wattage.
Adriane: Cool.

Why would you publish this book? I'd be too ashamed.
Kyle: Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?
Rae: That is so not hilarious.

AAAGH. Musso the hobgoblin is asked to step in for Kara and freaks out, putting a spell on Marcus to make him a REAL donkey.

"Excellent! Best interpretation of a jackass I've seen since Kyle Davies." So true.

Selinda: Don't worry, Princess. The stallion cannot get out.
Kara: Neither can I.
Lol.

What's with the Emily pep talks in every book? They're never any good.

Daaaaang. This boy's about twenty hands high. That's more than 6.5 feet at the shoulder!

Argh, this horse is annoying.
"I AM FIRE! I RUN ALONE!"
Possibly a relative of Sunchaser?

So Kara accidentally hits him with magic. Ouch.

Oh dear. She's stuck in a room...WITH TALKING ACCESSORIES!

Oh my goodness. Oooooh my gosh.
"Stop squirting me, Whiffle!"
"Oh, I can't stand it! I'm delirious with excitement."
EW!!!

Ha ha. A thousand apologies. Like Demon Hunter.

There's a perfume spray bottle SHAPED LIKE A SKUNK. That is sooooo nasty.

There happens to be a Midnight Masquerade Rave! Because a Kara book wouldn't be complete without a party.

Ooh, it's from the Forest Prince.

Kara doesn't have anything to wear! Good thing there's a magic closet!

"I need a ballgown in violet silk, with an embroidered bodice, long sleeves, and a dropped A-line skirt."
Wow. At least she knows what she wants.

Ew, the skunk squirts her with "Morning Pew" perfume.

HA. Goldie the d-fly gets to wear a silver and gold tuxedo.

I think the Forest Prince is a mob boss. How else would he have so much power over the bad fairies?

"Goldie was frolicking in milky moonbeams, sommersaulting with a small flying bear-like creature wearing a tutu and a pirate hat."
Awwwww....

Lol. The Forest Prince is head of a band of rebels. Like Robin Hood!

They're supposed to take off their masks, so Forest Prince does...and there's another mask underneath. Nice.

IT'S THE GOBLIN PRINCE, LORREN!

I guess being Forest Prince gives you more power than being the real prince, because these fairies show NO respect.

Emily opens a portal and tries to get Kara to come home, but ends up with a bunch of dwarves instead.

Oh, and a bulwoggle.

Agh, what's with the bad parenting? They're fighting a dangerous magical animal and Kara's parents aren't the LEAST bit suspicious. And they accept Emily's, "Just helping Kara rehearse!" story.

There's a fox named Cotax. Heh.

It's all good. The next portal will open in 3 years.

Lorren's parents just wouldn't understand the Forest Prince. Emo.

Ugh, hate Emily. And her pep talks.

Adriane makes fun of Lorren. Just because your boyfriend is a freak who lives with mistwolves....

Whoa. Kara and Goldie are bonded? But so are Kara and Lyra?

Fairy blood skips generations, so that explains why Kara is part fairy, but her mom isn't. That is so stupid. Someone obviously never took life science.

Ew. Nice clothes, Lorren.

:O
Tangoo: Well, my obstinate yet positive young prince, if the princess were a magic master, that might be possible, otherwise...good-bye kitty.

"The roses are blue, but only one can be true. The flower with the power is the bloom with the fume. The bud that's a dud seems a rose to the nose."
Duh. The one that doesn't SMELL like a rose is the real one.

What the heck? Tangoo shoots a love spell at Lorren right before he sends them to the Spider Witch's lair...and it hits Goldie!

Right. Adriane's going to play the part of Kara. Complete with pink dress and a blonde wig.

Hahahaha. Ozzie keeps messing up magic!! Silly Ozzie! I freaking hate that ferret.

Wth?? Are her friends really that stupid? How would they mistake dark-eyed, combat-booted Adriane for Kara?

Oh no, the d-flies puke love spells all over Adriane and she falls in love with Marcus. HAHAHAHA. -_-

Now Rae's in love with Kyle!

Oh, and to top it all off, Kara's 3 amigos think Musso is sexy.

This. Is. So. Retarded.

Kara manages to pick the right rose...but is attacked by spiders. Spiders...WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SPIDERS?

No, Kara, trust Lorren!

She leaves him with the spiders and jumps into the wrong mirror.

Where she meets up with her fairy grandmother, Lucinda!!

They talk about the unicorn jewel.

Aw, Kara remembers how she used to be AND ADMITS SHE WAS A SELFISH LOSER!!

NOOO, the magic is not for Kara!
Oh, because the gift of a blazing star is to make OTHERS shine more brightly, not herself. That's why the magic won't work!

Ha. Kara has a vision of herself at seventeen, working for the Dark Sorceress, and she kills Emily and Adriane and takes their jewels. Lol.

Starfire is a lame name for a horse, but whatever.

Aw, Kara lets Starfire share her past. Now they're bonded fo life!

Their first talisman, made of Water magic, is purple bunny slippers.

Hahaha. She has to make a song on the magical clouds to get the next talisman and sings that "Supernatural High" song. But the next one's a harp? Lame. I like bunnies better.

Next stop, the Mines of Moria.

Oh no, Starfire is losing magic!!!

Wow. They're lost in a maze and use the harp to find which way to go. Smart. That's what Harry should've done in "Goblet of Fire".

Argh. The next talisman is a giant silver heart. Laaame.

The very last one is a sunstone.

Stafire is so screwed.

And there are two Forest Princes, trying to convince Kara to give them the power crystal!

One of them is real. The other is...TANGOO. Told you he was evil.

And it turns out HE turned Lyra into quicksilver.

Aw, he kills Starfire with the other blue rose.

She jumps into the last mirror...and finds herself on stage in the middle of the school play.

Ew. "Come hither, thou cutiest patootiest!'
I would rather kill myself than publish this crap.

Uh oh. Kara tries to say her lines (it's her part, after all), and Adriane attacks her!! "Nobody sweet-talks my jackass!"

Starfire, you're back! You used the second crystal! Way to be selfish!

Emily takes Starfire's reappearance to remind everyone to support Ravenswood Wildlife Preserve!

"Princess, Tangoo betrayed us all!" Duh.

Time for a major magic battle with Tangoo, the proper end to any young adult fantasy novel.

How lame.
"Twinkle twinkle, blazing star...how I wonder when you'll DIE!"

If you're losing to a Snapeish goblin, remember that you shouldn't be afraid of who you are. Works EVERY TIME.

What's with Adriane and all her sucky wolf analogies?
"You can put a wolf in pink clothing, but she's still a wolf!"

Okay, we get it, everyone believes in Kara. Group hug. HURRY UP, this book is boring.

Lyra comes back, which gives Kara the strength she needs to defeat Tangoo.

And she destroys the power crystal. Stupid.

But Starfire sacrifices himself to save Avalon. But Starfire will always be with her, now and forever.

Agh. Now that the Kingdoms are united, all the queens have to fight about is curtains. No joke.

Selinda wants a flowery yellow fabric. Raelda's going for deep blue velvet.
I'm with Raelda.

So they compromise and choose lavender.

Raelda: I've introduced him to every Goblin girl in the kingdom, but I think he has eyes for someone special.
Awwww.

Musso and Sparky give up magic tracking and open their own cheese business! I so wish I was making that up.

Ha. There's another party. Emily wears a sky blue sundress, Adriane wears a white shirt with jeans (how classy), and Kara chooses Capris with a pink tank top. Wow. So much for dressy.

Emily thinks Lorren is hot, too. Back off, Healer.

"Watch it, Prince, your Zorro is leaking."
WHERE?

LAAAAME.
"A friend taught me not to hide who I really am."

The Trolls get the bunny slippers.
The Elves get the harp.
The Dwarves get the heart.
The goblins get the sunstone.
And the Fairies get a red rose Kara constructed out of magic after she ran out of gifts. But the rose contains all four elements working together, while the other talismans only contain one element each. That's a little unfair, don'tcha think?

Kara gets to keep her magic accessories.

Oh dear, the Dark Sorceress is back and is working with the Spider Witch. We'll have to watch out for them next time.

That was a long book. 212 pages is a little ridiculous for an Avalon book. Back to Pony pals!!

The gods are angry, so they've made the sun disappear, or Unicorns of Balinor #7: Night of the Shifter's Moon

Okay. Let me tell you how much I hate Unicorns of Balinor.
No, really. These are what has kept me from posting because they're so ridiculously boring.
So I'm just going to summarize it and be DONE with it.
And hopefully get the last book, #8, the WORST in the series, out of the way.
Then we can go on to Avalon and Pony Pals and what not.
It seems Madison Finn is permanently on hold, as I ordered some books from the library about, um, two months ago, and they've ignored my request.
I could skip #11 and #12, but only if completely necessary.
It's just that #11 is so depressing, but I like it, because...just so sad.
Okay, on to the unicorns. Sunchaser awaits.

Plot: We open with our "heroes" in the forests of Ardit where they meet some excitable bunnies.
Lori starts complaining, Finn tries to be a peacemaker, Toby insults people in a Cockney accent...the usual.
Atalanta calls Ari away from the group into CELESTIAL VALLEY!
*Hallelujah chorus*
The Celestial unicorns fall all over Ari and Chase. There's a bonding ceremony, and Ari officially has the Deep Magic. Also, she and Chase are officially BFFs forealz.
Once the two of them pop back down to the earth, they find their comrades in trouble! Fight fight fight. Done.
Now that she has Deep Magic, a BFF, and self-confidence, Ari decides to make war, not love, with the Shifter.
They go over to Balinor to assemble troops and to speak with the Lords of the Houses and crap.
The Shifter talks about how invincible he is...until the Shadow Rider walks into the room. Mr. Shadow is even worse than the Shifter, apparently. But it turns out he's not really the Shadow Rider; he's the Kraken, which is I guess some mysterious Sauron-esque figure. Everyone shudders at the mention of him.
Meanwhile, in Ari-land, Lori decides to become Ari's Lady-in-waiting when she hears how much the salary is. She also hires her new best friend, Lady KYLIAN. Hm, sounds a lot like KYLIE, doesn't it?? But no one is the least bit suspicious.
Ari and Chase go on a quest to find the Royal Unicorns, who ran away after the Shifter took over. How lame. The Workers and Celestial unicorns fought, but the Royals RAN AWAY? Wimps. What do you want them for?
Oh, and they find them right away on some island in the middle of the ocean! That was easy.
They manage to convince them rather quickly to join their cause.
The unicorns fight in the battle. They kick Shifter's butt. Lady Kylian is unmasked, but I'm pretty sure she escapes. Oh well.
The part that irks me is THE BATTLE DOESN'T EVEN LAST 5 MINUTES!!!! The Royal Unicorns show up and Shifter's all, "Dang," and doesn't even try anymore!
It doesn't matter that Ari's side has one...THE KRAKEN WILL REBUILD!!!
Yeah, dumb. I HATE THIS SERIES.
Lol. There was a black, red, and white unicorn named Puzzler. I wonder if he likes the White Stripes.

Hm. All I did was summarize badly. That was sort of a waste of time. Oh well. Avalon and Pony Pals tomorrow.